Dressed in Drag
by taylorminty
Summary: Georgia and Dave argue over which sex has it worst, and create a game with their mates to find out. This game has no time limit, and with everyone spending more time with their partner, new feelings come between them that were never previously explored.
1. It's not easy being me!

**Wednesday August 17 th**

**11:30am**

Woke up to Angus playing with my feet under the covers. I wonder where Gordy is? I saw a mouse run across my floor, followed by a blur of fur, erlack.

I pulled Angus on to my lap, and started to pet him, but then he sunk his teeth into my hand.

**Two minutes later**

Now he's purring.

**Five minutes later**

Doorbell rang. I couldn't hear mutti, vati, or Libby snoring. They might be out. I got out of bed, and took a quick look at myself in the mirror. My makeup had smudged all over my face from last night. I'd skipped the panda woman look, and jumped straight to lady raccoon. I crept down stairs to see if I could tell who was at the door by looking through the glass.

**Thirty seconds later **

It's Dave the Laugh. I started to run back towards the stairs to at least get the makeup off my face when he called through the door.

"I can see you, sex kitty." I stopped.

Damn him. I started to make another break for it.

"Come on, Gee, open the door." He sounded serious.

I sighed, and tried to wipe as much of my makeup off as I could. It wasn't perfect, but it didn't look as bad.

I opened the door.

**Ten minutes later**

I think Dave just had the laughing attack to end all laughing attacks. He just about fell over when he saw me. Apparently I didn't do as good of a job as I thought I had in the makeup removal with my jimjams process.

**In the bathroom**

I asked Dave to put the water on for tea, whilst I re-did my makeup. As always I go for the natural look as to not look like I'm trying too hard. Mascara, lippy, eye liner, conce- What?

Dave thought it would be funny to pop into the loo out of nowhere, wearing his red clown nose. "Why do you put so much effort into your looks? You could be solving word peace, or figure out which armrest is yours at the pictures."

I stared at him, he is so confusing. And cute. "Because, if I didn't, then I would look dull, and have uneven skin coloring, and the orangutan gene would eventually cover my entire body, so that I would look like an owl pellet. You know, those things that they cough up that have bones in it, and are like surrounded by fur. Or a werewolf."

It was his turn to stare. "What am I going to do with you?"

I said, "You're going to let me finish becoming decent to the public eye, and you will go get the water off the stove before it burns."

He asked, "Does water burn?"

"It's possible."

**In the living room**

I broke the silence. "So, why did you stop by at such an early hour?"

"Gee, it's almost noon."

"That's beside the point."

"I think it's very to the point."

Ugh, not this again.

"A mate can't just stop by another mate's house to chat?"

"Normally, yes. When the mate is you, no."

"Well, I just wanted to talk to you…about things… that are sort of, you know…a little bit…erm… to me."

He was turning into Ellen. I opened up my compact to make sure my mascara hadn't smudged.

Dave rolled his eyes. "Gee , you are so superficial."

"I am not! I put a lot of work into my natural look. Girls have it a lot harder than guys."

"Ha! You're even madder than I thought."

Hey! I take offense to that! I blame my family. Shut up, brain. "What are you talking about?"

"Isn't it obvious? Guys have to put up with girls hormones, they can never do anything right, and we're expected to be macho every second of the day."

I could kill him. "Girls have to deal with guys and their 'see you later', and make up, and hair!"

"But guys can't do anything for a girl without being accused of wanting to get to number 10 with her!"

"How do you know about the snogging scale?"

"Jas told me."

Typico.

**Fifteen minutes later**

Dave, and I have rounded up our mates in the park.

I said, "Dave and I have come up with an experiment."

Dave said, "We want to show each other what it's like to be the other person."

Jas looked confused; she started to raise her hand.

I said, "Jas, shut up."

"Bu-"

"Shut up."

Dave continued, "that means that the guys will have to act, dress, and talk like girls, and the girls will have to act, dress, and talk like guys."

Sven and the girls nodded along excitedly.

I said, "This means that Dave and I will switch, Jas and Tom will switch, Ellen(pause to hold back gag) and Whel- I mean Peter will switch, Rosie and Sven will switch, Rollo and Jools will switch, and Mabs and…where is Mabs?"

Rosie said, "she said that she had to do something involving a bags of crisps, and a dolphin. And that we shouldn't wait up for her…"

We all nodded.

Dave said, "the conditions are that if someone asks why or what you are doing drag, you can't respond. Each pair of people who are switching are a team, whoever stops doing drag first in that team has to be the other persons servent for a week." He winked.

Rollo shook his head back and forth. "After this is done, I will never admit to having done this, no matter if I'm bounded, gagged, or sat on by Sven."

He must be serious. Sven is big.

Everyone ran into town with their other team member, excited to get started.

A/N

Controlling the orangutan gene inspired me to do this. I just pictured Dave the Laugh making fun of Georgia for putting so much effort into her looks. I hope to post the second chapter soon. Positive, negative, critiquingative, whatever the case, review!

Xoxo

Tay


	2. And heels

**Boots**

I never knew the sold wigs here.

**Two minutes later**

And knickers. Dave is having fun with this.

**4:00pm**

**In my bedroom**

There is a Stiff Dylans gig tonight at the Buddha Lounge. It's a Wednesday, but because it's summer there seems to be some party or another at least twice a week. Anyways, Dave and I were getting ready.

**4:02pm**

Forty million years later he finally came out of the bathroom. It was my turn to have the laughing fit. He had insisted on borrowing one of my bras, and had stuffed it with two extremely inflated balloons. I had told him that it was fine if he just wore the outfit and wig, but he said he "needed to get into character". He was touching his nungas in the mirror. Character my arse.

Dave said, "Now if only these were real…"

That's when Gordy jumped from my closet and onto Dave, popping his fake basoomas.

I sighed, "I'll get the oranges…"

8:00pm

Met the Ace Gang and their boyfri-…erm…girlfri-…lovers in drag at the clock tower.

Dave was wearing all black, even his 4 inch heels, he was copying off my sophisticosity at all times wear, and had a medium length, brown wig on. I had a dark brown tousled wig on, and wore a dark blue button down shirt, a black tie, and jeans.

Rosie had a blonde, spiky wig on, and was using Sven's Viking shorts, and t-shirt entirely covered in fur. Sven had a medium length blond wig on, and was wearing a mini skirt, also made out of fur, a bikini top, and combat boots.

Jas had a short brown wig on, and was wearing a white button down shirt and jeans, and Tom had a long blond wig on that was put into a side ponytail, and was wearing an extremely short, even for what Jas would wear, blue mini skirt, a light blue halter top, and heels.

I asked, "Are you wearing really big knickers?"

Tom nodded yes.

Ellen had a brown, medium length wig, and was wearing a collared shirt, and tan trousers, and Peter had a long, light brown wig on, and was wearing a dress, and heels, but he had gone way past the natural at all times makeup look, and was starting to look like a clown, with orange lippy.

Jools had a black wig on, and was wearing a suit, and Rollo had a curly, brown wig on, and was wearing a v-neck dark purple dress, and heels.

The piece de whatsit was the fact that the guys seemed to have used the fruit idea. And that Sven and Dave shaved their legs.

We all started to walk towards the Buddha Lounge.

**8:35pm**

Dave asked, "Would you like to know what you will have to do when you lose this bet?"

If he wasn't so gorgey I would be forced to kill him.

I said, "No."

Dave said, "I'll give you a hint, it involves lots of costumes, and you feeding me midget gems.

I tried to walk a little faster. But he caught up to me. And put his arm around my waste. My lips automatically puckered. Damn him. He turned my turned my chin towards him,(and the rest of my head, and body, unless he has a strange fetish for chin kissing, but it also is Dave…shut up, shut up!) and kissed me, we did a quick number 6, and he skipped off ahead of me to go talk to Tom. I could feel myself going jelloid.

**8:42pm**

I don't understand his ability to do that. It's not like I even like him. Well I'm not sure who I like, but I can tell you one thing, it is not Dave the Laugh. Maybe I don't like anyone at the moment. Robbie went back to Kiwi-a-gogo land, and I was still confused about Masimo. My redbottomosity, and cosmic horn are in storage right now.

**8:45pm**

I think.

**Buddha Lounge**

We got to the entrance and Sven said something in Reindeer-a-gogo. I think I've narrowed Reindeer-a-gogo land down to somewhere near, or in Czechoslovakia, but of course I never really do remember all the places in Koala-a-gogo land (i.e. Australia).

Anyways, where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself? Oh yes. The bouncer let us in, that is after Sven picked him up and kissed him on both cheeks. Rosie laughed along. I can only imagine their kids.

Once we were in the club, we reviewed our normal routine to the guys, (i.e. Tart's wardrobe, dance, hair flicky, more dancing, and tart's wardrobe).

We also cautioned them of the boy entrancers possibly getting stuck together scenario. They still insisted on wearing them, so no one can say they had no be fairly warned.

**9:15pm**

Dancing with Dave. I realized how well he picked up on girls dance moves.

I said, "You make a great girl."

Dave said, "I know, I'm quite literally gorgeous." Then he shimmied.

A slow song came on, I put my arms around Dave's waste, and he put his arms around my neck. This was nice.

All of a sudden, Dave stopped dancing.

Dave said, "uhh, Gee… I think I need to start a conga line, can you help me?" He pointed at his eyes which were closed.

I asked, "Are you boy entrancers stuck?"

Dave nodded his head yes.

I put Dave's hands on my shoulders and we conga'd off to the tart's wardrobe. But sadly, even with the conga line, Dave was about as blind as a bat on deaf tablets in a thunderstorm. I can't even explain that one.

He kept falling into people, and eventually Sven picked him up and put him on his shoulders.

I told Rosie about Dave's boy entrancers, and she whispered in Sven's ear. It sounded like a lot of grunting, but it got Sven to bring Dave to the loo.

**Tart's wardrobe**

I had taken off my wig once I got into the bathroom, for fear of scaring girls out of it, like Sven does so well.

**One minute later**

No matter how hard I pulled, I couldn't get Dave's fake eyelashes off.

I said, "Dave I might have to cut your eyelashes."

**10:00pm**

Walking to Jas' house with Dave the Laugh, Jas, and Tom.

Dave is pretending he's blind, and that I am his Seeing Eye dog.

**One minute later**

My dog name is Lucky.

**Two minutes later**

He asked for a stick to poke the ground with. Oof. He hit me in the back of my knees and I fell over.

Dave said, "Bad dog, no treats."

**Jas' house**

Her parents are out. Dave and I went into her bathroom. This is just more proof of how amazingly normal her family is, she has her own bathroom.

I've managed to pull one of the boy entrancers off, but the other one won't budge.

I said, "Dave I'm still going to need to cut your eye lashes if you want to be able to see out of your right eye."

He sighed, and with much persistence, he allowed me to.

I felt bad, having to cut off some of his eyelashes. I always liked how they curled up, and it showed off soft brown ey- stop it! Shut up! You don't see him that way!

**12:30am**

Dave the Laugh and Tom have gone home.

After I got Dave's eye lashes off, we made some snacks and watched a movie. It was about an orange, fat cat, I mean he is literally almost bigger than Angus . He likes lasagna and you can never figure out if his voice is his thoughts or him talking out loud.

I mean it's a cat for one, but it is animated, but at some points I felt like his owner was responding to what that cat was saying or thinking…

Oh this is going to keep me up all night…

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

**A/N **

**Second chapter! I like writing this story so far. I hope you guys like reading it.**

**Review whatever your thoughts!**

**Xoxo**

**Tay**


	3. Startled by his furry tights

**Saturday August 20th**

**10:00am**

I was just about to get dressed when the phone rang.

I said, "Is there really no one else in this house?" Maybe someone would hear me, or the phone.

I wonder where everyone has been, I've barely seen them for two days, and I've been living off jammy dodges, that can't be healthy…

**On the phone **

I said, "Hello, this is Georgia Nicolson, the only person who seems to actually live in this house."

Dave said, "Hello, sexy kitty."

I felt that attack of laughter when you know you need to stop but you can't, like in the middle of a test and you look next to you and you see Rosie stroking her beard, and the teacher who's watching over your class because your other teacher is out is someone like Hawkeye or someone equally as scary and then you get double detention and a zero on your final. But it wasn't even like a he's funny laughter, it was more of an I'm nervous and jelloidy laughter. Like how I used to feel about Robbie.

Oh God, I hadn't said anything for 2 minutes.

Dave said, "Georgia?"

I said, "Hahaha, yeah I'm here….hahahaha."

"What's so funny?"

"Egyptians!...hahahahaha"

"Erm…I bet they are…-"

"Did you know they didn't wear PANTS? Hahahahaha…"

"Gee, breathe. Look, I was wondering if I could borrow some more of your hair remover. My leg hair is starting to grow back with a vengeance."

I took a deep breath, "Sure, how about around 9?"

"Perfect, see you then."

I put on my wig, a pair of jeans, and a plain red shirt.

**Kitchen**

**Another attempt to fight off scurvy. **

I found something yellow in the fridge, it looked like a cucumber. I didn't know they could turn yellow…could they?

**One minute later**

Maybe it's squash.

**Two minutes later**

Half a squash. I was cutting it up and by the time I was done Angus had eaten half of it.

Looked through the fridge some more

**5 minutes later**

Heating up pizza. It's probably from last night, I came back pretty late.

**At the table**

There was a note. It said,

_Dear Georgia,_

_We tried to say goodbye this morning, but you barely woke up. Your father has gone to a conference for a week, and I'm going on a retreat with the girls from aerobics. Your sister is staying with Uncle Eddie, I talked to Jas' mum, but they are going on vacation tomorrow, so I arranged for you to stay at Rosie's until we get back. We'll call later._

_Love, _

_Mum and Dad_

I was officially an orphan; at least Rosie wouldn't give me a hard time if I messed up her owls. Well, she doesn't have any owls to mess up during the night, and her parents are rarely even home.

**In my room**

Packed my boy-ey clothes, and my Telletubie jimjams. I also decided to grab a few of mutti's boy books; she won't be back for a week, so she won't have to miss them.

**20 minutes later**

Decided to waste time by eating more pizza, and watching TV.

**15 minutes later**

Door bell rang.

Dave was wearing a really short skirt, and a halter top.

**In my bathroom**

Dave was applying the hair removal cream.

I decided to check my legs.

**2 minutes later**

Erlack a pongoes. I looked like a yeti.

I reached for the cream, but Dave moved it away.

Dave said, "Nope."

I said, "What?"

He laughed, "Guys don't shave their legs, Gee."

My eyes felt like they were going to pop out they went so wide, and my mouth was opening and closing like a goldfish. I could be a goldfish yeti. Very sexy.

"But what about my eyebro-"

"That too."

"And my armpi-"

"No."

"But I've told you! I'll end up looking like a werewolf! All I have to do is crawl around and I could be casted into that movie Breaking New Eclipse!"

"Gee, I think it's just Ecli-"

"Drop it."

Dave started to rub the cream off, "Why's this stuff burning?"

I slapped his hand away, "Like I've said before, girls go through a lot just to look good."

He cringed.

"Would you rather date a ball of fur, or someone really smooth…ish?"

"Well, depends on who's under the fur, if it's someone as beautiful as you, then I think I know what I'd choose."

I started to smile but then gripped my stomach and ran downstairs.

Why couldn't we have two bathrooms? I'm not sure. So I'm opted for the next best thing that you would use to vom in, the dustbin.

Dave was right behind, rubbing my back soothingly.

After I emptied my stomach contents, he brought me over to the couch.

He looked really concerned, and felt my forehead, "what have you eaten today, Gee?"

"Some squash, and a couple slices of pizza."

"Do the squash look fresh?"

"Yeah, I mean it had some hair on it, but it's kind of like strawberries, you know? Those tiny fuzzy hairs, and what not."

"Gee, squashes don't have hair."

"Oh God…"'

"What about the pizza? Do you know how fresh that was?"

"I think from last night, I mean I got home pretty late, so I guess my parents just had pizza."

"Aside from that, when was the last time you and your family had pizza?"

"I think two Fridays ago, why?"

He was in the kitchen, checking the pizza box, "This pizza was from then."

I held my head, "Ughh…"

"How about you go back upstairs, and I'll get you something to drink?"

"I can't, I have to go over Rosie's…my parents are gone for the week and I'm staying at her house."

"Well where's your stuff?"

"Upstairs…"

I decided to lie down on the couch for a few minutes.

**12:00pm**

I woke up in Rosie's room.

There were furry arts and crafts everywhere on the wall.

I looked to the left and Dave the Laugh was reading Rosie's diary, and sitting on a beanbag chair, covered in pink fur, of course.

I said, "What happened?"

He came over and sat next to me on the bed, "I went to get your stuff, and you fell asleep on the couch, so I called Rosie and her and Sven came over and got your stuff, and I carried you to her house."

I smiled, "Aw…thanks, Dave. That's really nice."

"Everyone else is downstairs watching a movie; do you want to come down?"

I was still smiling like an idiot, "Yeah, definitely."

I stood up, but he still put his arm around me for support, which made it sort of difficult going down the stairs, because we both kept running into the wall, but we managed to make it to the living room with minor injuries.

They had just started watching Rom and Jul.

Sven was wearing furry tights. He ran over, and hugged me. I jumped.

I laughed, "Your furry tights are rather startling."

A/N

Tell me what you think

Xoxo

Tayy


	4. I've laughed, I've cried, I've sung

**Disclaimer: I don't own Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I don't own "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" or any of the information in it (i.e. the point system). I don't own Twilight either. I don't own Confessions of Georgia Nicolson, or the characters. I do own the plot.**

**Enjoyyyyyyy!**

**5:00pm**

I've finished watching what is known as some of Billy Shakespeare's best work. I've laughed, I've cried, I've sung. But it wasn't because of Billy's play that I've laughed and cried, or that I've sung. And I will tell you one thing for free, I'm never doing it again.

**2 minutes later**

I laughed because Sven and Rosie acted out the, "But, soft! What light yonder window breaks PANTS?" scene. I cried because Sven thought it would be fun to stand on the table and then fall on me. And I've sung, because, well what is a depressing play without a sing-a-long or two?

Rollo, Jools, Ellen and Whel- Peter just left.

**5 minutes later**

Mabs and Edward came over. Edward had a purple wig on, with hair stick out everywhere, and Mabs was wearing one of those bald cap things. Kind of like what Uncle Eddie would wear if he had hair and wanted to look bald.

**1 minute later**

Which really wouldn't make sense, but it's also Uncle Eddie.

**In the kitchen**

Just more proof as to how un-normal my family is: Rosie has food in here.

**2 minutes later**

I feel like Charlie in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory only food wise (i.e. their kitchen is big, with a lot of cabinets…and food.)

**Years of staring later**

We decided to make macaroni and cheese.

**20 minutes later**

No one can ever say that Mabs, Rosie, and I can't cook. It's not our fault that the instructions weren't clear.

After Sven, Dave the Laugh, and Edward put the fire out, I said, "the directions were hard to follow. 'A cup' means a glass right?"

Mabs said, "And, maybe it's just us, but I didn't see where it told us to drain the water, or turn the stove off before adding the cheese, butter, and milk. And if they did, then they advertised it poorly."

Edward walked over to the dustbin and showed us the back of the box. He said, "It says it right here."

Rosie said, "No, it doesn't."

Edward said, "Yes, it does."

Rosie said, "No, it doesn't."

Edward said, "Yes, it-"

But he was cut off by Rosie, who threw a jammy dodger at him.

**5 minutes later**

We're seeing how many jammy dodgers Sven, Edward and Dave can catch in their mouths in a minute.

**6:10pm**

Sven caught 40.

**6:12pm**

Dave the Laugh, Edward, and Mabs just left.

**6:15pm**

I suggested Sven should try and get the jammy dodgers out of his furry tights before they got stuck there, but Rosie said they add a touch of "Je ne sais quoi!"

**5 minutes later**

She's eating them off his tights. Erlack.

**6:25pm**

I decided to go take a relaxing bath, and then go to bed.

Rosie said, "Gee, guys don't bubble baths, that's weird."

I said, "Have you seen your boyfriend?"

She said, "Good point."

**In the loo**

I'm not using any scented soaps, or bath beads, to keep up with the masculinity, only a few bubbles.

**5 minutes later**

Okay one bead.

**10 minutes later**

It's like bathing in perfume. Rosie's mum works at a spa, so they always have good smelling beautosity products.

**Rosie's room**

I figured I'd catch up some more on the boy mind.

Reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".

**5 minutes later**

It explained a "point system"

Apparently if a boy does something for you, he thinks that it means a lot, and should count for a long amount of time, like buying you midget jems, or flowers. But girls take that was a simple thing, like they should do that a lot more.

Pretty much: Boys need to step it up on the gift giving front, and niceosityness.

I will have to tell the Ace Gang about this, because obviously the guys have not been living up to their duties.

**2 minutes later**

Well now that means we have to give them gifts.

**1 minute later**

Merde, the poor guys. Well, poor us.

**Sunday August 21st **

**12:10am**

Woke up the sound of yodeling.

**1 minute later**

Does Rosie really sleep with this on?

**2 minutes later**

Oh my giddygod! What is that?

There something hanging on the wall…it looks like it's sort of moving, like a hanging, breathing thing on a wall.

**1 minute later**

It's Rosie.

I said, "Rosie, why are you hanging upside down like a bat thing?"

Rosie said, "Because, I'm on Team Edward."

What fresh hell?

"I didn't know Edward had a team…you mean for footie?"

"No, he's a vampire."

"EDWARD' S A VAMPIRE? DOES MABS KNOW?"

"No, you twit! The Edward from Twilight!"

"What in the name of Lord Sandra's lippy are you talking about?"

"You know, Bella, Edward, Jacob..."

"That vampire werewolf watist?"

"Yes."

"Oh, well, then, goodnight."

"Not yet, if you haven't seen Twilight, you at least have to watch the movies."

Ro –ro fell down from the bar on the wall, with graciosity, and dragged me downstairs.

**In the front room**

**5:15am**

I. Hate. Rosie.

We're surrounded by empty coca-colas, and crisps.

But I do have to admit, Jacob is rather gorgey, except for his hair, it's a bit on the fem side.

Rosie got mad at me for siding with the "Team Jacob" fandango.

But like Ghandi said, "Beggars can't be choosers."

**1 minute later**

Whatever that means.

**11:00am **

Fell asleep in the front room.

Woke up to hear banging on the door.

It also sounded like the yodeling that Rosie listens to at night; only it had a touch of maracas added into the song.

**1 minute later**

Ro-ro jumped up, grabbed a pair of those hand drums from under the table, and ran to get the door.

**5 minutes later**

Hiding in the upstairs loo, hoping that Sven and Rosie won't ask me to join their band. Sven is wearing silk pants, and a leather vest.

**1 minute later**

Rosie is, too.

**12:00pm**

Decided to get ready for the day. Put on my wig, and other boy-ey clothes. My legs are like two very hairy things, covered in hair.

Which they are.

My eyeBROW is following close behind.

**12:30pm**

Went downstairs. Sven picked me up, put me on his back, and started to run around the room.

**12:32pm**

After a million years of running around, and almost crashing, A LOT he put me down.

Rosie said, "We're have a Twilight party, and have a lot of shopping to do."

**At the grocery**

Buying vampire and werewolf food (i.e. a lot of meat, fruit punch, red food dye, make up to make you look really pale, dark red lipstick, red drinks, etc. etc.)

"Sven! Get down, you sexy reindeer!"

I looked up to see Sven climbing to the top cookie shelves.

Sven said, "Oh ja!" jumped into a random girl's cart.

**5:00pm**

The nub and gist of the afternoon is 1. Don't go food shopping with Sven, and 2.) Don't ask fat blokes how far along they are in their pregnancy (because sometimes they are actually not a woman), in an attempt to get them to forget about your boyfriend squishing their bread, and fruits.

**A/N**

By far my favorite chapter to write even thought this is the 4th one. I've had random ideas for this chapter for a while, but I've finally written them down :D

Tell me what you think!

Xoxo,

Tay


	5. You got some beard

A/N I actually planned a few chapters out, so hopefully these next few updates will be more frequent!

Enjoyyyy!

**Tuesday August 22nd**

**9:00am**

Up at the crack of morning.

Rosie's having her party today, because her parents are smartly out, until tomorrow, again! Why can't my parents be normal like hers? She has recruited Sven, Tom, and I to help her set up. Jas was still letting her inner woodland fairy free on a camping trip with her parents.

**1minute later**

Her whole family seems to be part tree stump, or flower, or whatever grows in the woods.

**2minutes later**

Thank God's oversized beret she found Tom. He seems to be the only one who can actually tolerate her nature urges.

**In the Loo**

Getting ready. Rosie, Sven, and I looked all of yesterday, well the parts after we were done running away from an angry, and rather porky man, looking for more of that theatrical fur that we used when were working backstage for Peter Pan.

**30 seconds later**

We weren't actually working for Peter Pan, more like the wet, weedy, drippy Lindsay who pranced around pretending to be him. Which I think is rather insulting to Peter Pan.

**Loads of fur later**

Wearing all dark brown where fur isn't covering me. Except for my face, I added sidies and a mustache though. Vair, vair attractive if I do say so myself, which I just did.

**In the Kitchen**

Using sausages like we did from the teenage werewolf party, we put a lot of ketchup on them so that it looks like blood. We also made red jell-o; Roro claims that it's like blood. But as we all know she is très mad.

**In the front room**

**2:30pm**

We also bought a tape called "sounds of the wolves". I'm not kidding. Some sad block decided to go out and record wolf noises. Sounds like Tom and Jas, only they would record "sounds of the wild carrot" or whatever other fruits are out there.

**On Sven's shoulders.**

I really hope he doesn't smell the food in the kitchen, or his inner viking might come out, and he'll have the urge to attack some sausages with his mouth, and then I'll fall.

**1 minute later **

I'm hanging up bats, and full moons that dangle from the ceiling.

Rosie has also made it a requirement that the people dressed up as vampire wear capes, and the people dressed up as werewolves walk on their hands and knees.

**8:30pm**

It's vair uncomfortable, and not too big on the attractivosity front.

Dave the Laugh looked groovy in black and red, even if he was wearing a mini. He also has a blonde wig, like that Rosalie person who hates Bella.

I crawled over to him.

Dave said, "Hello, kitty kat," and tried to pet me.

I bit him.

"Feisty today, are we?"

**1 minute later**

Trying to get a cape for Dave, but it's too bloody high up.

**30 seconds later**

Felt someone's hands around my waste, it was Dave the Laugh.

He said, "I was just trying to help you get higher up."

I rolled my eyes.

Ouch, something hit me in the back of the head…

I turned around

Rosie said, "GEE, GET ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES!"

Dave said, "Ooer."

Cheeky cat.

**30 minutes later**

Usual crowd, Edward, Dave the Laugh, Mabs, Rosie and Sven are vampires. Ellen, Peter (erlack!), Jools, Rollo, and moi are werewolves.

We're playing Truth, or Dare. I refused to play the "kiss or promise" part since I was told to kiss Dave the Laugh at the fish party.

**2 minutes later**

This is taking forever. If you're a vampire, you have to growl, or squeak (as Rosie says bats do) after every word, if you're a werewolf you have to howl or make a dog noise variation after every word.

Roro says it adds to the Twilightosity of the party. I think she's over exaggerating.

**30 seconds later**

A lot.

**9:15pm**

Ellen, dither queen of England asked, "Dave, aroo…erm, truth, arooooo, you know, aroo, dare…woof…or, maybe?"

Dave said, "Dare, aroooo!"

"I, erm, woof, dare, bark, you, aroo, to, howwlll, um, well, bark, you, uhh-"

Rosie said, "ELLEN! JUST TALK NORMALLY!"

Ellen said, "I mean, like, go outside, and well, do the howling, at erm, 3 people?"

Dave said, "You want me to go outside, and howl at 3 people?"

Ellen nodded like a nodding werewolf.

All of us went and walked around and hid in the bushes, whenever a person came by, and Dave would jump out at people and howl, and then we'd all run away.

**9:53pm**

Back at Rosie's house.

We scared a lot of people. Especially when the werewolf-ey people ran away on all fours.

But très amusant.

My turn. I said, "Mabs, truth or dare…aroo…?"

Mabs said, "Truth, grrr"

I said, "What number have you and Rollo gotten to, woooof?"

Mabs went extremely red, like a vampire fresh full of blood, which they are after they eat…

She said, "Well, squeeeeak, number 7."

The guys all look very confused but Ellen, Rosie, Jools, and I gathered around Mabs to hear the story of how it happened.

**10:30pm**

We're playing Snog or Be Snogged. Pretty much you either kiss someone, or the person who asks you gets to choose who you snog. But everyone seems to not want to imply that they like anyone else, so everyone has chosen be snogged.

We've all agreed that what happens at this Twilight party stays at this Twilight party.

I've had to snog Sven so far. It wouldn't have been so bad, but he had a bit of sausage left in his mouth, and now I'm chewing it.

Ellen had to snog Rollo. Her head almost fell off from dithering. She would get up, and then sit back down, and was mumbling "Should, I, or um, not, sort of, snogging, like a little, him?"

Dave said, "Rosie, Snog or Be Snogged?"

Rosie said, "Be snogged."

"Peter, snog Rosie."

I almost choked on my sausage.

Peter pretty much tackled Rosie in his attempt to snog her.

Once Rosie got out from under him, Ellen was already taking off her fake fur, and heading towards the door. We tried to get her to stay, but she went really red and stormed out, with Peter chasing after her.

Rosie said, "Erlack a pongoes, I'm covered in saliva."

I said, "Ooer."

Then Rosie biffed me over the head with a pillow.

We all broke out into a pillow fight; it involved a lot of howling, and growling.

**20 minutes later**

There are feathers and fur covering the entire room. And everyone is snogging.

Except for me and Dave the Laugh.

Because we don't do that anymore. My red bottom has been metaphorically chopped off and sent away for tests to figure out how a person's bum-oley could be so red when they are clearly not part monkey, or horse, whichever one had the red bottomosity going on.

**2 minutes later**

Snogging Dave the Laugh.

**12:15am**

I've said it before, and I will say it again, Dave the Laugh is a fabby snogger. Especially in the lip nibbling compartment. Or do I mean department? Oh I don't know I've gone all jelloidy knickers. He's still wearing his fangs, which makes the nip libbling even better…

**2 minutes later**

He backed up. What? Stop doing that backing up!

I looked at him, and started laughing like hyena at a hyena comedy club.

"What's so funny, Gee?"

"You got some beard…" But I started laughing even harder.

Dave had some of my beard stuck on his lip.

**Loo**

**12:30am**

As I've said before, I will be the last to know about anything that goes on. Even if it involves me.

Somehow Dave the Laugh and I have ended snogging in the loo.

We had planned a big sleepover here. Rollo, Dave the Laugh, Sven, and Edward are all supposed to be sleeping at one another house (i.e. Rosie's place.)

And Mabs and Jools also said they were staying over at Rosie's.  
Tom went home to set up a welcome home party for Jas. Those two remind an old married forest couple.

**1 minute later**

Which they are.

**10:15am**

Woke up to find my head lying on Dave's chest. He's covered in fur, and I'm covered in fang bite marks.

Dave was already awake.

He said, "Fangs for the snog, sex kitty," and quickly got up and left the room.

That is even worse than the whole "see you later" situation. What happened last night?

Ugh!

I slowly got up, and walked down stairs. It smelled like eggs. Mabs and Edward were cooking brekkie for everyone. I was about to go into the kitchen when something fell on my head.

Rollo said, "Oh, hey Gee. Can you hand those to me?"

Why wasn't Rollo wearing his under crackers?

A/N Aww poor Ellen and Peter... What do you guys think is going on with Dave and Gee? And why was Rollo's under crackers hanging from a bat?

Tell me what you think!

Xoxo,

Tay


	6. What if we turn into veggie people!

**I've finally figured out that this story is set around the middle of Startled By His Furry Shorts. Veggies, and reindeers, and knickers, oh my!**

**Enjoyyyy!**

**Friday August 25th**

**Boudoir of confusionosity**

**1:00pm**

What motivated Sven to throw Rollo's undercrackers on the chandelier, after Rosie dared him to run down her street in the nuddy-pants, I will never know.

I blame my family.

**1:10pm**

Lolling around the house. Swiss family mad should be home soon.

**5 minutes later**

I hear a lot of giggling.

Mutti, vati, and Libby just crashed into my room.

Mutti said, "Oh Gee! It was so fabulous! There was this one class me and the girls took! And the instructor was so cute! He had-"

Vati interrupted her by clearing his throat.

Mutti said, "Oh I missed you all so much!" And gathered us into a group hug.

Believe me, I tried to run, but Libby got a hold of my legs.

**2 minutes later**

I doubt I'll even be able to get live the life of luxury that I'm destined for, with all the money I'll have to spend on a therapist.

I've been quite literally almost crushed by mom's coconut bra. She says its part of her hula costume, but I think it's just an excuse to practice her side career as a prostitute.

**1:30pm**

Walking around with Libby hanging onto my leg.

Bloody hell. Why do boys not wear belts? My pants are about to fall off. Ooer.

I was about to have to walk down the stairs like that, but thankfully Angus walked by, so Libby grabbed onto him.

I still don't get why he lets her do that.

I'm the one who actually takes care of him.

But he is a boy cat, and boys are vair confusing.

**In the kitchen**

Quelle surprise! No food.

**30 seconds later**

Eating toast

**2:00pm **

Phone rang.

Vati said, "Georgia, I'm trying to sleep! Get that bloody phone!

And as you all know I'm vair polite, and full of niceosity, so, I said, "Don't worry oh badgery one! I know you are so tired from your long vacation of plotting ways to turn houses into swimming pools! I'll get the phone!"

And a shoe flew down the stairs.

Great parenting.

**1 minute later**

It was Jas. She sounded out of breath.

"Gee! Gee! Guess where I am!"

"In a pumpkin?"

"Ye- wait, no. People don't stand in pumpkins."

"Pumpkin people do."

"No, they don't."

"Yes, they do."

"No, they don't."

"Yes, they do." I put the phone down on her before she could disagree with my full of logicosity argument.

**30 seconds later**

Phone rang.

I answered, "Hello, this is Georgia Nicolson, I can't speak very long, because some cousins of mine, who are pumpkin people, are visiting.

Jas said, "Gee! Open the door!"

"Which door?"

"The front one!"

"Front of where?"

"YOUR HOUSE!"

What the bloody hell is she talking about?

**Front door**

Jas is hopping.

She said, "LOOK! LOOK! LOOK!" And held a mobile in my face.

"Yes, that's lovely, Jas."

"It's mine!"

I tried to hide my jealousosity. "So?"

"So? I can press buttons! And make calls! And take pictures!"

"My remote can do that."

"No it can't."

"Yes it can."

"Show me."

"It's in the shop."

"What shop?"

"The remote control shop."

"There isn't a remote control shop."

"That just proves that you're even more of a non believer than I thought. Now, shut up, Jas, before you annoy me further."

She was getting her keys out to start up her huffmobile, so I pretended that I was interested, even though I was. Très confusing, I know, but you lot aren't so dim that you can't keep up. I hope.

**My fortress of womanosity (i.e. my bedroom)**

**3:00pm**

Apparently she bought the mobile herself because she works now. It's a pre-paywhatsit mobile.

Jas was telling me about her job at the Jennings's organic fruit and legume shop, when vati walked by.

Vati said (as he rudely and uninvitedly entered my room), "See, that's what a sensible gir- um…boy? I think… should be doing. Getting a job, saving up money, buying her-his own THINGS." He patted Jas on the head, and her wig started to slip off.

Vati looked really confused, and tried to push it back into place, but it covered her eyes. Then he just quit at trying to fix it.

Jas said, "Well, actually, they were looking for a temporary employee, because Tom is leaving next week to go to a Kiwi-a-gogo land for 4 months…" She started to tear up; I wasn't sure if it was because I kept elbowing her in the ribs to get her to stop talking, or because Tom was leaving. Or a little bit of both…

Vati ignored Jas's reaction, and focused on me. "It's perfect! Gee, get down there now, and talk to the Jennings, now I won't have to give you money!" He walked out of my room, skipping and humming.

How those pants support his giganticimus bum is beyond me.

**10 seconds later**

Really, how the FLOOR supports him is even more beyond me…

**2 minutes later**

Jas is still sniffly, but she's perked up a bit at the idea of us working together. I was surprised, but then I remembered how I was the replacement Tom. But, because I'm full of kindnosity, I agreed.

**4:00pm**

**Home**

After a rigorous interview (i.e. they asked me how old I was, and when I could work), I have a job. Goody!

**9:00pm**

In my bean bag chair, reading up on one of mum's books.

**10 minutes later**

Oh merde. Would a guy read this? Probably not…well I can't let Dave the Laugh know, but I do need to catch up, it's been a years since I learned more about boydom.

**30 seconds later**

But…I still need to find out how to entrance boys when I go back to being a girl. Well, what Dave doesn't know won't eat him.

**2 minutes later**

Or is it hurt?

**9:15pm**

That wouldn't make any sense.

**9:20pm**

Buddha's words always confuse me…oh this is so tiring…

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

**Saturday August 26th**

**8:30am**

**The ground**

Oww owwwwy ow! My head hurts like billio. I must have fallen off the bean bag and hit my head on the side table when I fell asleep.

Great, this only gives me an hour for hair and make-up. Oh, no, damn, I can't. Stupid bet. Well, I'll just go get brekkie. Then, I get to meet Jas and go to the Jennings Grocery for training.

**9:00am**

**Phone rang**

It was Jas.

I said, "Hello."

"I JUST SAVED A BABY BIRD!"

"From a turtle?

"What are you talking about? Turtles don't eat birds."

"Hungry turtles do."

"No, they eat plants."

"And hummus?"

"No, Gee."

"Well you should name it turtle."

**9:30am**

Jas is on sitting on her wall, fiddling with where her fringe should be, but thanks to her Tomish wig, she can't fiddle. Ha.

I said, "How's Turtle?"

"His name is Karen."

"His name?"

**10:15pm**

I'm not going to be able to speak again, my throat is so sore.

Why am I in here? What did I do? I didn't even kick that old pensioner when he couldn't decide between green and red apples. I was being the bestest sales person.

**2 minutes later**

Now I'm stuck with Ms. Huffy Knickers in a closet full of potatoes, onions, and carrots.

I'm going to be forced to kill her and make a delicious stew.

I said, "Jas, if we're in here any longer I'm going to have to kill you and make you into a delicious stew."

"Well, that's too bad, because you won't be able to."

"Why's that?"

"Because you have no pots, or water."

"Well I'll…good point." I started throwing more potatoes at the door and shouting.

**10:30pm**

If only I hadn't come to help Jas and her commodious knickers reach something high up. Or I could have just not agreed to help close the shop, and left Jas to do it, but she said she was scared.

I had said, "Of what?"

She said, "Well sometimes, you know, people like, grapes and all, and they come in and take them."

"Jas, you know the only people that come in here are the elderly mad and pregnant women, you could easily summon the woodland creatures to help you. Like in the popular kids story Spring Blue."

"You mean Snow White."

Then I biffed her over the head, and she got all huffy until I agreed to help her.

Now I'm here.

**20 million years later (or do I mean trillion?)**

I said, "I really hate you, Jas."

"This isn't so bad; I can teach you some wilderness songs that Tom and I learned on our adventure course."

"Does it involve voles?"

"Oh, so you already know it?"

Kill me now.

**10 minutes later**

I said, "OH GOD! WHAT IF WE BECOME VEGGIE PEOPLE?"

Jas started to hyperventilate.

I heard loud stomps outside and started to shout again.

"Aider moi! Les légumes attaquent!"

Jas nudged me, "Hey, I'm here, too."

I said, "Aider moi!...et ma très stupide ami!" And threw more onions at the door.

Finally, the door flung up, and I accidentally pegged the person on the other side of the door, Sven.

Sven said, "Ja! Party with the veggies!"

I jumped on him and shouted, "NEVER HAVE I BEEN SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU! YOU REINDEER-A-GOGO FULE!"

Jas ran out behind me and hugged the rest of the Ace Gang.

Jas said, "How'd you know we were in here?"

Rosie said, "Well remember how we were planning to go shopping? Well, when you two didn't show up, I got my Sherlock Hilary costume out, and we searched the town. Mabs remembered you were working today, so we went to the Jennings house, and then, well, um, Robbie answered the door, and said you were closing the shop, so he brought us here.

WHAT!

THE GUITAR PLUCKER WAS HERE?

Robbie walked from the front of the store to where we were standing.

Robbie said, "Hi, Gee…nice hair…and pants?"

I said "Hngggggmmm."

Oh God, am I drooling?

**A/N**

**I had to, it was so tempting.**

**Xoxo,**

**Tay**


	7. My brain fell out along the way

**Sunday August 27th**

**My bedroom**

**10:00am**

11 days until we're all forced back into the clutches of Stalag 14.

**1 minute later**

And 11 hours since I made a complete prat out of myself in front of a Sex God.

**30 seconds later**

THE Sex God.

**30 seconds later**

But I refuse to recall the terrible details of last night's encounter with him.

**5 minute later**

No matter what. I'll take those memories to my grave and beyond.

**Kitchen**

**11:45am**

I said, "Mutti, why does it smell like something is burning?"

Mutti said, "I was cooking."

"Unsuccessfully, I see."

"Shut up."

**12:00pm**

Mutti made pancakes…ish.

She sat down across from me.

Mutti said, "What's been going on in your life, Gee?"

I tried to keep quiet but the embarrasmentnosity from last night got to me.

I said, "Fine! I'll tell you! Just stop bugging me about it! I became a man, and then got a job and became a hard working woman. And then I was a great friend to Jas, and we got locked in veggie storage room. And then, Rosie dressed as Hilary the spy, found us with Robbie, who was supposed to be serenading sheep and snogging rogue bores. So why was he back you ask? I'll tell you. I don't know! Because, when he got there he told me I had nice hair, and pants. And I remembered I was a boy. So I started to drool. Then, he wanted to take a walk. So we did. And sadly, when we got to the park my brain had fallen out along the way, so the most I could say was 'Despite my appearance, I don't have a trouser snake addenda'. And then the banana that Dave insisted I wear in my knickers fell out the leg of my pants. Can you believe it? I can't! Finally, we got back to our house, and he tried to kiss me, so I told him 'I left Angus in the airing cupboard, and have to go get him out'. But my good old furry pal jumped off the wall and onto Robbie's head. Thankfully not tearing too big of a chunk of hair out of his head. So I scuttled off quickly, but I tripped. Twice. I hate those damn combats!"

Mutti just stared at me. I don't see why.

I took a really deep breath.

Mutti said, "Is that all?"

I stared all wide-eyed, "Is that all? That's all you can say?"

"No, I just wanted to wait for you to finish, so I could talk."  
"How can you be so calm?"

"Because, something like that has happened to me before."

"Really? You made a fule of yourself in front a sex god while dressed as a guy?"

"Well, not exactly. But he saw me in dancing around in my knickers through my bedroom window. I think that comes pretty close to what happened to you."

I stood up and walked out the door.

**Jas's room**

**1:30pm **

She was trying on some new mascara she had gotten from boots. Lucky for her Tom couldn't work on a farm in a skirt and Jas won the bet.

Jas said, "I really don't see what the big deal is. If I can wear 3inch heels and a skirt, and dance, how could he not run in one?"

"What are you going to make him do when he comes back?"

She got a little teary but continued, "I like to think of myself as full of independentosity, but I think I'm going to see if, okay well this is pretty mean…but, I'm going to make him go on a hike with me."

"So?"

"And NOT bring his hiking stick."

"You'll definitely show him, Jas."

She perked up after that. "At least I can wear make-up again… speaking of dressing as a guy, what are you going to do about Hawk-eye if the bet goes that long, Gee?"

"I'm going to tell her I'm exploring my inner transvestite."

"And when that doesn't work?"

"I've forged a doctor's note."

"That says?"

I took out my note, and read it aloud. "Georgia has started to attend therapy, and has discovered her inability to pay attention comes from a longing to find out what it's like to be the opposite sex. She's acting, and dressing like the opposite sex to fulfill that dream. She's gradually improving, and I'm hoping that by the end of the month she'll be an entirely better person. Sincerely, Dr. Therapist".

"Very convincing."

I like to think so.

I said, "But back to the bigger issue at foot…did Tom say anything?"

"About what?"

"About the price of meat."

"Well, he said it's gone up a bi-"

"ABOUT THE SEX GOD!"

She got all huffy and started to flick her fringe, "It's only been a couple of hours, and I haven't really got to talk to him since last night…"

"Jas, you were on the phone with him when I got here."

"Well I didn't remember to ask."

"How could you not? You were the one making fun of me TO him. When I walked into your room you were mocking me, in a vair crap imitation of my voice might I add."

Then I walked out of her room. Some best friend, I won't be talking to her ever again.

**Park**

**30 minutes later**

Jas realized that she's going to need me while Tom is gone, and came to her senses (after I went back to her room, and promised her I'd go on a ramble with her on Tuesday.)

We saw Rollo and Sven ahead of us going towards a footy game. Rollo was dressed normally, but Sven was wearing heels, a brown leather skirt, and blue top. Jas and I attractively ran to catch up to them.

Jas said, "Rollo (pant, pant) why aren't you in drag?"

Rollo said, "Because it's impossible to play footy in that…" He pointed at what Sven was wearing.

Sven posed and said, "My legs look great though!"


	8. It's my spiritual adviser

**Sunday August 27th**

**5 minute later**

**Still in the park, under our tree, still with Jas**

Rosie has joined us, along with a stuffed pig. And I don't mean like those a pig with stuffing, like they do in Hamburger-a-gogo because the pilgies, and hawain tribes came together over a turkey with stuffing in it. I mean like a stuffed owl only it's a pig. Like Jas's owls. Only it's still not an owl.

**5 seconds later**

I said, "Rosie, why do you have a stuffed moose?"

Rosie said, "It's my spiritual adviser." She squeezed his nose.

**1 second later**

And it doesn't even oink. It makes this high pitched squealing sound, and then it chirps.

Rosie said, "His name is didgeridoo, because of his love for peace, carpets, and music."

She has completely lost it. Again.

**5 minutes later**

We're trying to have a guy-ey conversation. But Rosie keeps shouting out "Nungas!", and squeezes Didgie's nose, so it's not really going anywhere.

**30 minutes later**

Dave the Laugh has joined our conversation.

Dave said, "So what's the goss, girlies?"

I said, "Dave we don't say girlies."

"Well, whatevs. I have a hair-care question. You know when you put conditioner in your hair and it gets all soft, and smells nice? Well-"

Rosie said, "Dave, we're boys, we don't know about hair-care. Ask Sven."

"Ughh! Fine." He got up and hip wiggled, hair flicked over to Sven.

Dave was getting even more into it than Sven was.

**2 minute later**

Rest of the Ace gang showed up with their girlfriends. Wait a minute. I just realized something…when we were girls we didn't play footie. So that means that the guy-girls can't play footie.

**30 seconds later**

**Middle of field**

I explained to the guy-girls, Edward, Dave, and Ellen's newest love interest, and friend of Rollo's, Declan, who had recently joined us, after the falling out, of Peter and Ellen, oh, and Sven, that the guy-girls can't play footie, because the girl-guys never would.

Declan said, "That means that you guys, I mean girl-guys have to play footie then. And we get to talk about make-up, shoes, and beards."

He is not on my good side.

Merde.

**20 minutes later**

I already don't like games during Stalag 14, outside of it is just unbearable. I keep tripping over my pants, and my hair is getting in my eyes. Why did I get the long haired wig? I have to look in to shaving it.

**Thursday September 1st**

**Robbie's House**

**5pm**

I forgot how good of a snogger he was.

He randomly stops though, and just looks into my eyes. I like to think he's thinking, "Cor, and also phwoar. I can't believe I ever chose marsupials over this beautiful creature. But I really would love to know the reason behind her pants (oo-er).

**20 minutes later**

I heard the front door open, we both stopped snogging.

It was Tom.

Merde. And also crap.

He was doing something on his phone so he didn't notice me right away. I took this time to jump up, grab my wig, and run out of the house saying things like "Must dash, things to see, people to do….pip pip!"

I wish I didn't have jelloid knickers around the SG. But he is a Sex God, how else CAN you act?

**30 seconds later **

I'll tell you this for free, not un-jelloidly is the only option you have. I just wish when I was around him that I could take my jelloid knickers off (oooo-er), and be normal(ish).

**8:30pm**

**Bed of whatsit**

Uncle Eddie is here. God help us all.

**5 minutes later**

I'll just use what's left of my strength, because I've been snogging the SG, to recount on how we came to be again.

Jas and I had ended the footie game, which had been going horribly, because we had to go work. When we got to the grocery, Robbie was there, and he smiled at me and said "Hey, Gee, Jas." He has a gorgey porgey smile.

Jas said, "Hi Robbie, were you just leaving?"

He said, "Actually I was, but I had needed to talk to Georgia. Will you come outside with me for a second?"

He took my hand and led me outside to the side of the store. At this point, I was just focusing on sucking in my nostrils. Then I remembered that I was dressed as a guy, who had just played footie in the heat. Oh God. I probably looked like a shiny and red faced loon. On loon tablets. In loon land.

Once I got a hold of my brain, I noticed that he was doing that staring-at-me-waiting thing.

I let a smile play around my lips; in a way that I liked to think was attractive, even though I had NO make-up on.

Then he snogged me. (As we were walking around the corner, I took my wig off, so it wasn't like Robbie was on the turn or anything.) Like he couldn't get enough of me. And who could really blame him? We snogged for a while, until Jas came around to get me.

She kept saying things like "What?" and "How?" and "What?"

But I was on cloud 9 1/2, and was not going to let her ruin it by yelling at me over what happened. So I hummed merrily as I worked. Or whistled as I worked, like those dwarfs in Snow Blanc do.

I guess now I can say Robbie and I are official snogging partners. He says he doesn't want to go back to Kiwi-a-gogo land for a while, that he wants to stay here, and be with his family. AND ME!

**9:00pm**

Uncle Eddie knocked on the door. Well I'd like to think he had that much courtesy, but he doesn't. He just walked right into my room.

He looked especially red and baldy. He was wearing a shirt that said "She wants me" with an arrow pointing right. How funny.

**2 seconds later**

Not.

Anyways, he was laughing really hard. Once he finally composed himself, he said, "Gee, you'll love this one. What did the hurricane say to the volcano?"

I sighed, "I don't know. What?"

"Hold on to your nuts, this ain't gonna be your typical blow job!"

And he fell to the ground because he was laughing so hard.

**10:25pm**

He finally left after about a million years of laughing.

I've just realized something. Does this mean I'm finally off the rack of love? All my days of nib libbling Robbie have led us to this.

No, that's Dave who does the nib libbling. Oh, Robbie was the one who did varying pressure.

**1 minute later.**

Damn. That was Masimo. Speaking of the Lurrrve God, when does he get back?

I got out the letter he sent me, he also included a picture of him on the beach. Phwoaaar!

**2 minutes later**

Right. He's coming back the 25th.

I hope this stupid bet is over by then. If it's not, then it will be even harder to be with him. It's already hard enough to talk when I'm not a transvestite. Now that I am, he's going to be losstererer than ever.

By why should that matter? I'm off the rack of love, I've bought my Robbie the Tart, and am leaving the cake shop of agony.

**30 seconds later**

Isn't it Dave the Tart?


	9. Ms Wilson and the Technicolor Smock

Thursday September 7th

8:30am

Walking up the hill to Stalag 14 with Jas. Why did school have to start in the middle of the week? I have no idea. I asked Jas.

I said, "Jas, why do we have to start school on a Thursday? Isn't that a little silly. I mean we'll be here for two days, and then it's the weekend. They're teasing us. It's rude."

I was almost pas the gates when Hawkeye started to say something. "Excuse me, sir, but this is an all girls school, and visitors aren't permitted on school grounds without a-" But she stopped. And did a wide-eyed gaspy thing.

I quickly shuffled towards the school, hoping Hawkeye would get distracted by her talons she calls hands and let me go. But she continued to talk.

"Rosemary Barnes! What have you done to yourself?"

Oh thank God's shorty jimjams.

I ran into the school, and then to the bathroom.

I think my guy-transformed outfit is quite attractive. I turned my skirt into shorts, and wore trainers, and the rest of the outfit could pass as guys, so that covered that.

I wonder how Dave was doing. I hope he hasn't talked to Tom, because if he did, Tom might tell him about Robbie and me. Why do I care if he knows I'm dating Robbie? Robbie's a Sex God. I should want to flaunt our relationship. Bloody hell.

**In the coat room**

Jas said, "Why are you all slouched over like that, Georgia? You almost like a question mark all hunched over like that…That can't be good for your posture."

I said, "Shut up, Jas." I hit her with my beret and went to assembly.

**Assembly**

I'm ignorez-vousing Jas for her vair rude comment.

I put my compact on the arm rest, and tried walking in place to see if I did look like a question mark(even though I knew I didn't, I just wanted to prove it to Jas). Anyways, I was doing my walking-in-place thing just as Wet Lindsay was walking down the aisle.

The wet one said, "Nicolson? Have you chopped off all of your hair? You look like a boy. And stand up right! You look like the mark of a question!"

What fresh hell? Mark of a question?

I said, "Good morning, Lindsay. And might I saw that your tentacles look lovely today."

She looked like she was about to start yelling at me, but thankfully Slim came up to the microphone, and told everyone to take their seats.

**2 seconds later**

Dear Himmel and Gott!

Slim is…SLIM!

When did this happen?

She was wearing a blouse, and a skirt.

And do you know what the worst part was? It was shorter than my mutti's.

**German**

We're watching a film about Adolf Hitler. No, I'm not kidding.

**10 minutes later**

This gives me time to compose myself from the traumatizing incident. Thankfully, I avoided a trip to the infirmary, and didn't throw up. I just acted like I was praying throughout all of assembly.

It's just so weird. The only memory of her elephantineness is that her chins are still intact. I should suggest chin exercises to her. Maybe I'll slip a how-to sheet under her door.

**2 seconds later**

I told that to Jas, who I'm talking to again because she promised to not fiddle with her fringe for a whole day. I doubted she'd be able to do it, but once can always hope.

I said, "Jas, don't you think I should slip a how-to-do-chin-exercises' under Slim's door? You know so it can complete her actual slim look? I think that would be vair nice of me."

Jas said, "What if she slips on it while walking around her office?"

Mabs said, "One can only hope."

**Morning Break**

The Ace Gang thought it would be safer to hide out in the library during breaks, because Mabs, Ellen, Rosie, and me are still in drag and don't want to be slaughtered by The Hitler Youth.

The teachers haven't enforced seating arrangements yet, so we figured as long as we're in the back, and pretend we have colds, because our voices have to be deeper, then we should be safe. For a few hours.

**3 minutes later**

Maybe.

**Library**

Oh joy unbounded, a new librarian! She's wearing a cowboy hat. This won't turn out well at all.

**Froggers**

I really don't understand who would marry Mme. Slack. You would think that "Slack" would be a live give away of what you're getting yourself into (oo-er) i.e. A very slacky woman.

She handed us all a work sheet of descriptions. And told us to put a check where it applied to us, and an ex where it applied to our best friend.

Since Jassy and I were pallies again, I chose her.

For me I checked of heuruese, sympathique, genereuse, and intelligents. For Jas I exed off words like folle, and Canadienne.

I showed Jas my paper. I said, "Look Jas, I marked off all of your good qualities."

Jas said, "You said I was crazy…and Canadian."

"Exactamoondo."

"You didn't' even mention my more flattering qualities, like how I'm organized, and discreet."

"Jas, you know how against lying I am."

**English**

Last class of the day!

Oh goody, Miss Wilson has decided to grace us with another very attractive ensemble. What is she wearing you ask? Why it's her amazing Technicolor smock! With matching shoes.

**1 second later**

To match the rest of her hideously rainbow covered outfit.

I really didn't think she'd be able to outdo herself. One time she came to class with egg shells in her hair. And to be able to top Slim's porn star outfit is even more impressive.

I said, "Hello Miss Wilson, why you're looking quite colorful today." But she didn't get the sarcasmnosity of it.

Miss Wilson said, "Thank you for noticing…Georgia…is that you? Well looks like you're getting into a new trend, too! While my niece was visiting, from Scotland, she brought some magazines with her. I don't know if you've heard of it, it's called Teen Vogue, but it said that color was in this season. It also said that plaids were a great fall look." She lifted up her skirt, I thought I would die, and showed me her plaid socks.

I nodded once and ran to the back of the room to the rest of the Ace Gang.

Jools said, "Blimey your red, did she show you her matching glasses case?"

I said, "Worse. Her plaid socks."

Rosie said, "Cor." And fanned herself.


	10. Seeing eye dogs help the mute

**Friday September 8****th**

**7:00am**

Bloody hell. What is Angus doing? Oh right. I forgot my feet were mice.

**5 minute later**

What time is it? Ugh. Well I'm up now… I might as well get a fresh start…zzzzzzzzzzzzz…

**9:00am**

WHAT?

How could I have slept so long? I can't see the time!

Maybe I'm going mute. Or is it blind? I don't remember. Oh God! My Alzheimer's is kicking in!

**In the loo**

I can't breathe through my nose. Come to think of it I do feel a bit dicky. And for all you hamburgerese who are giggling right now, I'm not talking about a boys trouser snake addenda. I'm talking about being sick. Because dicky rhymes with sicky. Geez.

**2 minutes later**

Maybe if I put muscle rub under my nose the smell will clear out my sinus-watsits.

**30 seconds later**

Ouchouchouchowwyowow! It burns! Now I can't breathe, and my upper lib is going to fall off. I'll look like I have duck lips, only worse. I'll be the one lip wonder. I tried wiping it off, and it still burns!

**2 seconds later**

As if it couldn't get any worse, my mascara smudged during the night. The Sex God came to my house last night, so I had to do a quick makeup application. He had thrown cabbages, he said they would most likely not break my window, but still gets my attention, vair romantique, I know, so I could come see him. I snuck downstairs, past the sleeping loons on the couch, and went outside around 2am. We had a humungo bigjungo snogfest. It was fabbity fab.

Anyways, where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself? Oh yes. That's probably the reason I'm sick (Happy? Absolutely no reference to a boy's trouser snake addenda. Now, let's get on with this), and why I have eye make up all over my face(ish).

**5 seconds later**

AH! BLOODY HELL! BUGGERATION! GOTT! AND HIS CLOSE COMPANION HIMMEL! I got the muscle rub in my eye! Now I'm blind, unable to breathe, and probably deaf.

**1 minute later**

When you're deaf can you hear yourself, and not anyone else? Or nothing at all? Hm. I'll have to look that up. Oh wait, I can't, because I'm blind!

**Bed of sickness**

I'll have to get a Seeing Eye dog now. Maybe I should practice wearing sunglasses and beating things with a stick.

**30 minutes later**

Angus is a terrible Seeing Eye dog.

I fell down the stairs, and now I'm probably going to be all bruised. Then I won't be able to see my Sex God this weekend because I'll be so beaten and battered.

**Kitchen, I think**

Mutti said, "Georgia, I let you stay home because when I came in to get you this morning, you had a fever. You should be in bed instead of banging around the house."

I said, "Mutti? Is that you?"

"Stop that." And she took my sunglasses off.

I crumbled to the ground, "MY EYES! THEY BURN!"

"Gee, open your eyes."

I slowly opened my eyes. "It's a miracle! I can see! Thank you Baby Jesus!"

She just tutted away.

Well tut on, you tutting machine. I'm just going to go back upstairs and get my beauty rest.

**20 minutes later**

Gah! Who's in my room?

I opened my eyes to see mutti standing over me.

I said, "I'm sleeping. What do you want?"

Mutti said, "I've just come to check on your before I went to work. By the way, the Sex God called earlier this morning, but I said that you were in bed and that he should call back later. His voice is gorgey porgey, isn't it?"

I rolled my eyes, "Goodbye, Mutti."

**1:00pm**

How long was I asleep? 4 hours? Well at least I'll be extra scrummy yumboes for Robbie tonight! I'm hoping that's why he called. Last night he said something about seeing me tonight, or maybe he meant tomorrow night.

**3 minutes later**

Isn't tomorrow for yesterday today?

This is something Jas would know.

Damn. She's still at school.

I have a few hours; I could do my hair, and make up. Oh merde. I forgot. I'm still technically a guy. Well, I could choose an appropriate après school outfit, and then get to school by the time they get out. This is a pressing matter, I know mutti will understand.

**Behind a bush**

**3:45pm**

It's so hard to see through the bushes, but I'm worried if I look over the bushes then the Hitler Youth will see me.

**3:55pm**

The Ace Gang still hasn't come out of school, so I'm going to put my hood up, and make my way towards them.

**4:05pm**

Found the Ace Gang! They were given 40 lashes after school for smiling during prayer.

**Park**

We decided to take the long way home, in hopes of seeing the lads. Well they want to see the lads; I'm just coming along because the gang isn't really a gang without yours truly.

I decided to finally ask Jas what she thought of the whole Robbie fandango wallapop. "Jas, do you think that saying you'll call someone tomorrow for yesterday is today, or tomorrow?"

Jas said, "I think that it mean-"

But we were bombarded by Rosie and Didgie.

Rosie squeezed Didgie's nose and said, "I think that it's like an 'S'laters' situation. Like when did he say he'd call?"

I was about to respond, but Ellen decided to join in the conversation.

She said, "Well, erm is tomorrow yesterday? Or yesterday today? Or did he, erm, mean you know?"

I said, "That's what I'm wondering."

"Well, do you know?"

"Of course, Ellen, I know."

"Well, I think that you have figured tomorrow and today out now."

But she didn't get my ironic tone.

**30 minutes later**

When did it get so nippy noodles?

I said, "When did it get so nippy noodles out? It's only the beginning of September…"

Rosie said, "You're mad! It's boiling out."

Jas felt my forehead, "Blimey, you're hot."

Mabs said, "Oo-er. Jas, are you on the turn?"

I backed away from Jas.

Jas said, "No, I'm just saying she feels really warm. Were you not at school today, Gee?"

I said, "Cheers, Jas. Glad to know you notice me."


	11. Snogging sickness

**Disclaimer: I don't own "Hole in the Wall". Oh but the things I would do if I did…**

**A/N I posted a chapter last night, but I realized today that I didn't go through and re-read it like I normally do as like an extra precaution. So I took down that chapter, edited it again, and added a little more. And by the way, I am la genius in heels. If I do say so myself. I wonder if any of you will have guessed what's going to happen by the chapter title. Hmm….**

**7:00pm**

Well the nub and thrust of the past few hours is as followed:

I have the Snogging Sickness, and my life is over.

I'll never be able to snog anyone ever again, and my life is over.

I get to miss school for a few weeks.

I'm being home schooled by one of mutti's aerobic friends, and my life is over.

Did I mention my life was over? Because it is.

After Jas was done trying to get off with me, the Ace Gang dragged me home. They were all very nice and caring. They made me soup, and we watched TV. When mutti came home, we told her how we were just taking a little break from working on homework. She believed us, hahaha…

Mutti asked if I was feeling any better, and I said no. She insisted we go see "George- I mean the Doctor". He's informed me that I have mononucleosis, or "the kissing disease" or as I say "snogging sickness". Apparently whoever I snogged 4-6weeks ago gave it to me.

What's today's date? September 8th. 4 weeks ago would be …August 11th I think. When was that? Oh yeah! Jas' family had just gotten their pool and they were having a party. Yes, and when I tried to find my bikini, I realized that Angus had eaten the tasselly bits, and then had threw them up.

So I borrowed one of Jas' which was very tiny in the top department, and Oscar had kept staring at me. I don't' see how Jas' parents can get along so well with Mr. and Mrs. Across the Road. They are normal, that maybe a factor. Mr. Across the Road's bathing suit is almost as bad as Mr. Next Door's commodious pantaloons. Actually, they may be worse, they have flowers on them.

For some reason Dave told me that he wanted to show me something. He took me around back and we just started snogging. He is a great snogger, I think he's been taking snogging lessons from Sven (oo-er) because he's even started to do that varying pressure thing.

OH GOD! I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!

**10 minutes later**

**On the blower**

I said, "Dave. I'm going to kill you. Hard."

Dave said, "Oo-er."

"Shut up. Do you know what you gave me?"

"The horn?"

"Ye- no! Stop that! You gave me mononucleotitis!"

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh. Do you know what else?"

"What else, kittykat?"

"I'm going to be home schooled for 6 weeks. Because of you!"

"You mean, you're going to be home schooled for 6 weeks because you can't resist me."

The cheek of him. I said with maturiosity at all times, "You're mad."

"No, you're mad."

"No, you're mad." I put the phone down on him. That will show him.

**30 seconds later**

He said, "No, you're mad."

I said, "You could at least apologize."

"For what? Being so irresistible? It's a gift, Gee."

"Hmph."

"Would it make you feel any better if I told you that I've been home for the past week with mononucletitis?"

"Yes, it would make me feel a lot better. Actually, it would make me feel even better if you said that your spleen had swollen. Actually, no, because then I think of this giant red throbbing thing, ewewewewew."

He laughed. He has such a nice laugh…"Well, there you have it."

I said, "Have what?"

"It."

"Ugh…Mutti is yelling at me to 'get some rest', and 'get off the damn phone'. I have to go…"

"Missing you already!" And he hung up.

**30 minutes later**

**In bed**

Ooh I feel all jelloid.

Didn't he say that to Ellen though? Even when he didn't like her.

**20 minutes later**

Merde.

**Saturday September 9th**

**Living room**

**11:30am**

I'm home ill as an…ill thing, and my family is out cavorting around, painting the town green, or whatever.

My throat hurts so badly. It's like if you swallowed tinsel, or tiles, whatever is on roofs, after a really hot day. It'd be scratchy and hot.

I'm drinking chicken noodle soup, which mutti made me. So generous of her. Not. There are these huge chunks of unidentifiable vegetables.

**15 minutes later**

Nothing is even on. Stupid TV.

**20 minutes later**

Oh this is interesting. It's called "Hole in the Wall". It's basically really fat American type people jumping through holes. Lovely.

**12:45pm**

ERLACK! I didn't think it was possible to be huger than Slim was. But I lay down corrected. These people are like Nauseating P. Green, and Slim combined! Disgusting.

**2:00pm**

I only popped off to boboland for a few minutes. Time flies when you're…sleeping. Who's ringing the doorbell at this hour?

**1 minute later**

It's Robbie!

Quick, quick, um, I don't know!

**2 minutes later**

I found some lippy in the kitchen, and put my hair up in what I like to think is a sophisticated bun.

My lips are already puckering. What am I going to tell him? Sorry I've been going on snogging fests with random blokes, and now I have mononucletitis? He'll dump me for sure... I can tell him that I have pancresizes. But doesn't your pancreas have to explode for that to happen? Damn, damn, damn. The door bell is ringing again.

**At the door**

He's just looking at me in a looking at me way. Why?

**10 minutes later**

Jas told him about me being sick (quelle suprise) but she left out a lot of the details. She just said I was "really, really sick."

He was worried about me (Aww…), and wanted to check up on me (Aww…). Which translates to, "I couldn't stand being away from your gorgeous face and want to snog you to within a quarter of your life". That is what I like to think.

He brought me proper chicken noodle soup, and we sat on the couch for a few hours just watching the vair jiggly hamburgerese jump through holes. We didn't say much though. But I like to think as he had is arm around me he was just taking time to absorb my beautiosity.

**5:00pm**

He had to go because his band was having rehearsals for tonight's gig. I'm going to have to miss a lot of gigs.

**5:05pm**

Double poo, and also merde.

**5:30pm**

He kissed my forehead though, I wonder if that's on the snogging scale? Is that even a snog? If spiritual or virtual or whatever Jas calls it makes it to the snogging scale, I guess forehead snogging could be on it, too…

**6:00pm**

**Looking in the mirror**

Hm, maybe I should get a fringe. But it deffo won't be annoying and fringey like Jas' fringiness… What's on my lips? It looks like some blotchy pink stuff. Oh hells biscuits…it's that lip gloss I found. It's like literal lip stain. It has stained my lips. Permanently.

**20 seconds later**

Probably.

6:10pm

It won't even come off if I scrape it with my teeth.

**6:15pm**

Ewwwwwyewew! Note to self: eye makeup remover tastes horrible, and doesn't work.

This is all Dave the laughs fault.

**5 minutes later**

I hate him.

**2 minutes later**

Maybe.

**A/N**

**Anyone see that coming? I didn't. I actually just randomly thought about it yesterday. Hehehehe….**


	12. Mumsy won't be able to chew this

**A/N I'm so full of hilariosity. Tell me what part you think is the funniest. And 10 points if you can guess what part made me laugh the hardest. Hint: It's a little phrase. Oh God…hahahahahahahahaha, it's so funny!**

**Saturday September 9th **

**Bedroom**

**9:30am**

Do you know what I would be doing right now if I weren't a transvestite and didn't have mononucletitis? I would be doing my facial mask, and have cucumbers over my eyes. And I'd be thinking about how much fun I'd have during the gig. And how much snogging Masimo and I would be doing after the gig. And- what? Masimo! Blimey.

**30 seconds later**

Damn, damn, damn, and thrice merde! He's coming back in 15 days. I'll have to explain to him about me being a sudden transvestite, only I can't even tell him why I'm a transvestite, because I'm not allowed to, because that will break my transvestite rules. I'll also have to explain the Snogging Sickness fandango, without actually saying that I have a Snogging Sickness. I'll also have to explain that I've chosen the Sex God. And I'll be under house arrest still. I need to make a list.

**2 minutes later**

And I'll be filled with throbbing spleens. Oh God.

**10 minutes later**

Mutti is going to have a grand time cleaning up the bathroom later.

I didn't throw up my spleen though, thankfully.

**2 minutes later**

Poor me. Just floating along in my boat of sickness. The S.S. Snogging Sickness to be exact. The S.S.S.S…sssssss…

**15 minutes later**

I'm like that sad bloke Gilligan who can't get off the island. I should get a hat.

**11:20am**

I've found some yarn, and I'm beginning to knit my sailor hat. I'll knit Dave the Laugh one, too, because he's also floating on his own boat of sickness. I wonder how he's doing. He should be wondering how I'm doing. And sending me flowers, because it's his fault that I boarded this ship in the first place.

Anyways, instead of going out tonight, and getting all my beauty rest done at once so I'll be ready for my Lurrrve God. I mean Sex God. I will be starting tutoring with my mom's friend from aerobics. Guess which one it is?

**30 seconds later**

Yep. Big Bertha.

**10:00pm**

Grand news! Not. Bertha isn't a teacher. She was a teacher's assistant for a month, and then got fired because she spent most of the time crying in the supply closet. Charming.

She came over around 7pm, which is when I'd be doing the finishing touches on my outfit, in case you were wondering, and explained to me that she's talked with Slim, and is going to pick up my assignments for me and then try and teach them to me. Ha.

**10 minutes later**

Bertha's actual name is Anne. I think Bertha is a lot funnier though. Mutti said that Bertha is going to stay with us for a little while. She just broke up with her boyfriend, and she had been living with him, so she's staying with us now. Bertha also has a dog, his or her; I haven't figured it out yet, is named Mumsy. Who names their dog Mumsy? Bertha apparently.

**2 minutes later**

She's like a mix of Mme. Slack, and Slim, or at least how Slim was. Vair depressing, and large.

**30 seconds later **

I'm talking about Bertha, not the dog, Mumsy. It should be interesting to see how Angus and Gordy react to Mumsy. But they've been out hunting mice and small lemurs, or whatever lives in the park. So they haven't been formally introduced yet.

**5 minutes later**

Oh, I stand corrected. There's a lot of barking, and meowing. I think they've met.

**10 minutes later**

I learned a lot today. For Bertha's first lesson, she made me come to the store with her to get Mumsy some dog treats. We spent two hours going back and forth down the aisle. She kept saying "No, no, no…Mumsy won't be able to chew on these, they're too hard" and "How many treats per pound is in this bag?" On, and on, it was miserable. I eventually just grabbed a bag of dog food, and lay down in the cart.

**10:30pm**

**Phone ring**

I might as well get it, seeing as Bertha is drinking with Mumsy in the garden, and my parents are asleep. Sigh. This is my life from now on.

**5 minutes later**

The Sex God called! He said that his gig went fine, but he kept thinking about me, and wants to come see me! ME! His girlfriend!

**11:00pm**

**On my wall**

He should be here any minute. I've showered, which is sadly really the only thing I can do without breaking the transvestite rules. But I know Robbie will look through my trannie-pyjammies to see my real inner beauty. Tee hee.

**2 minutes later**

Is that him?

**30 seconds later.**

Oof. I fell off the wall trying to stand up on the wall to see if it was Robbie.

It wasn't.

**5 minutes later**

Phwoaaar….there he is. He's wearing black t-shirt. Oh he has lovely muscles, and hair. His shirt matches his hair. Oh he's so scrumdiddlyumptious! His walk is all strut-strut-strut. Like a runaway male model.

**2 minutes later**

Only deffo NOT a homosexualist.

**11:30pm**

Yes! We've found a loop hole! We can still do ear snogging!

**10 minutes later**

And number 7!

**1 minute later**

And numbers 1, 2, 4.5, and 6.75! Vair, vair, fabby!

**12:00am**

You know when you're having a really good time, so you don't focus on how crap other things are? Well I was doing that. But I remembered that I was still on the S.S.S.S. Dear Lord Sandra in a frock. I feel dizzy.

**20 minutes later**

I think Robbie noticed that I've gotten all quiet. I think I'm starting to fall asleep. I hate this! First I board the S.S.S.S., and then I'm pretty much quarantined, unless my parents or Bertha want me to do something, and then I can barely see Robbie, and I can't kiss Dave. Blimey.

What am I going to do?

I can't even think straight. Which actually isn't much of a difference from before. If I wasn't mentally, and physically ill, I would have all my thoughts focused on Robbie. But since I'm in the boat of sickness, I can't think straight, therefore I'm confusing Robbie, Masimo, and Dave the Laugh.

**1:00am**

Boat of illnosity.

Robbie said that I looked really pale (goodie) and should go inside. He left around a half an hour ago. And I'm already missing him soooooooooooooooo much.

I miss all of my mates a lot. Like Jas, Mabs, Jools, Rosie, and Ellen. And my boy-ey type mates. Like…Masimo, and Sven, and erm…Rollo, Tom…and Dave of course.

Maybe if I'm feeling better by Monday, which is definitely a possibility, I'm even feeling better right now; I can convince mutti to let a few mates come over. Like Jas, and Dave.

**September 10th**

**11:30am**

**Kitchen**

Mutti and has said that if I can keep my fever down, and rest all day, that Dave can come over tomorrow! As long as his parents are okay with it. Which I know they will be, hopefully. I think that mutti likes Dave a little more than she should. But ho hum pigs bum!

**1 hour later**

**Bedroom**

Lying down thinking calm happy thoughts.

Ommmm….ommmm… calm happy thought number one: Libby is supposed to stay away from me, because mutti doesn't want Libs to catch any of my nucletitis germs. Happy thought number two: I might be able to see my matey boy type mate tomorrow.

Ommmmm…..ommmm…..

**5:00pm**

I had the weirdest dream ever.

Dave came over, and he had a cane, which he said was for supporting his giant, throbbing spleen which he kept in a jar in his back pocket. He showed it to me.

Erlack a pongoes, every time I think of my spleen being throbbing, and giant, I imagine this deformed heart lying on the ground. Gross.

Anyways, he said that its name was Ron, and he had to keep it on its lead, or it would run away. Well, Ron got off his lead, and started to run away. So I was chasing after it, and I was having a lot of trouble breathing, partially because I could barely breathe in the first place, and partially because I wasn't wearing my extra firm basooma holder, so they were flying everywhere.

Then, Dave jumped on top of me, oo-er, and started hitting me with his cane, and told me to go faster. I eventually fell over, because I was so tired.

And then I noticed that Dave was wearing really short jean shorts, but he had pre-slim Slim legs. I think it might be that cold medicine that mutti gave me that's giving me all these weird dreams.

**5:45pm**

Maybe I should call Dave and tell him that he might be able to come over tomorrow, if his mutti and vati say that it's okay.

**5 minutes later**

I can't be arsed to get up at this hour. I'm so tired. I wish I had a mobile.

**10 minutes later**

I have another point for the "Now that I have mononucletitis…" list. I can't work, so I can't get enough money to get my mobile. Because by the time I can get out of the house (i.e. 2 1/2 centuries) Tom will be back, and he'll be able to work.

**6:15pm**

Now I'll be a mobileless child, who's stuck in her house forever.

**A/N I've been in a bigggg writing mood. Yay! :D**


	13. Which can't be somewhere with mirrors

**A/N! I have a new betaish! Sounds like fetish. Tee hee. She's vair vair creative, and actually was the one who thought of the Snogging Sickness boat, and some of the things in this chapter, which I won't say, so I don't ruin it, ****starlight2twilight!**** Oh, and the part I was talking about in the last chapter was "trannie-pyjammies" I think it's hilarious. Seriously. Just go up to someone and ask "What kind of pajamas do transvestites wear?" And when they say "I don't know" and look at you like you're crazy, say "trannie-pyjammies" and PROVE that you are in fact crazy. You will instantly make a new friend…**

**I think.**

**I should right How-To Guides!**

**Sunday September 11th**

**8:30am**

Up bright an early. Mutti just left, and has said that Dave the Laugh can come over. She said that as long as Anne is here, that it's okay. Like we need a baby sitter. Honestly, Bertha is probably just going to sit in the linen closet and cry.

I called Dave about 10 minutes ago; his mutti is going to drive him over. I've opted for a vair casual look. Well, as casual as you can be when you're in your guy-ey jimjams, about to have a pyjama party on the S.S. Snogging Sickness. I'm wearing plaid boxers, and one of vati's huge- well, huge on me but normal on him, t-shirts. There's the door bell now.

**At the door**

Dave is wearing Powerpuff Girls jimjams. Très cute even if he (she?) is a girl-guy. Not like I'm on the turn or anything.

I said, "What's that?" and pointed at the pink thermos in his hand.

He smiled, "Soup. My mutti said the way to a man's heart is her stomach. So I made you soup."

I blushed, and didn't really know what to say, so I lead him into the kitchen to get some bowls. Bertha was in there, lucky Dave.

I said, "Anne, this is Dave. Dave, this is Anne."

Dave extended his manicured hand and said, "Nice to meet you, Bertha."

How did he know I called her Bertha?

Bertha said, "Hi, Dave is it? Is that short for Davina or something? I mean not to be rude, but you don't exactly look like a, well a boy."

Dave said, "And you don't look much a like a woman. It's clear that we're both bad a fooling people." And he walked out of the kitchen.

Bertha looked so surprised. I grabbed a bowl and two spoons and ran into the living room.

**20 minutes later**

**Living room**

**Couch**

Dave and I just had the coughing-laughing fit to end all coughing-laughing fits.

I said, "I still (cough, cough) can't believe you said that."

Dave said, "It had to be said (laughity, cough)."

I nodded, he's not lying.

**10 minutes later**

This is vair good soup. It doesn't have gross clumpy bits in it; it has nice small yummy chunky bits in it.

I said, "This soup is très bonne, Hornmeister."

He said, "Thank you, kitty kat. I spent all morning cooking it, only started two fires."

"A new record!"

**1 hour later**

Oh good, Mumsy has woken up.

He trotted; well more like wobbled out into the living room and is trying to hop up on the couch. Mumsy isn't on the tiny side of the latter.

To clear things up, the latter is like the well the middle of being fat and skinny. So if you're on the fat side of the latter, you're not skinny, and if you're on the skinny side of the latter then you're not exactly fat. Look, just believe me okay?

Anyways, Mumsy is like a lump. She's a bull-pug thing with lots of fur. Probably comes from where ever my vati came from. Which can't be somewhere with mirrors. And he always does this grunting thing. Like a pig. He's like…Hurley from Found.

She tried jumping on the couch, but his/her legs weren't able to lift it up. After 5 minutes of struggling, I decided to be a nice person and lift it up.

Dave said, "Hey there, Mumsy" and scratched her under her chin, "Is it a girl or a boy?"

I said, "I have no idea."

Mumsy laid her head and Dave's lap, and he proceeded to pet her. Until she started to chew on his hand then he pushed her off. Hee hee.

I said, "I think it's a boy, because he looks like a Hurley."

Dave said, "A what?"

"You know that show Found?"

"You mean Lost?" 

"Same thing. Well he kind of looks like Hurley from Found. Big, hairy, it fits perfectly."

"You're mad."

"I'm not going down that road again.

**5 minutes later**

I said, "No, you're mad. How can you not see it?"

"Because he's a dog!"

"Fine, if you think you're so right, go ask Bertha yourself."

"Fine, I will."

**20 minutes later**

Where the hell is that boy?

**In the bathroom**

Oh my giddy aunt's bloomers, Bertha is crying on Dave the Laugh's shoulder.

Bertha said, "I gave him…the b-best (cry, cry) year of my life!"

Dave said, "I know, men are terrible. Let it out, Berth-Anne. Davina's here for you." And he rubbed her back, and looked up at me with desperetosity.

"Thank, Dav…ina. Why are you dressed as a girl, anyway? Or a guy?"

Dav(ina) put the box of tissues on Bertha's lap, stood up, and walked away.

I guess he could have been a little more subtle, but he also seemed pretty determined to win this bet.

Bertha looked up as Dave walked out of the loo, and cried even more. Sacre bloody bleu, et quel dommage.

**5 minutes later**

Bertha is crying on my shoulder.

Bertha said, "And then…h-h-he…dumped me! (Sobbing)".

I had to stop this. Her crying is this annoying high pitched wail. So, I put on my metaphorical cape, and used my creativosity to save the day.

I handed Bertha some lippy and shoved her out of the bathroom, down the stairs and out front door shouting things like "Show glaciosity!" "Find a new bloke!" and "Don't show him how hurt you are!"

**20 minutes later**

**Sitting on the couch again with Dave**

I said, "Dave. Why are you staring at my basoomas?"

Dave said, "I'm just making sure they're still there, Gee."

"What do you mean 'they're still there'? Were they planning on running away?"

"No, but since you're now a guy-girl, your body might go along with that transition, and your nunga's might disappear, and no one wants that."

**2 minutes later**

How did my bra get unhooked?

I said, "Dave, did you just telepathically unhook my bra?"

Dave said, "It worked!"

Cheeky cat.

**15 minutes later**

Dave said, "Have you ever noticed that 'basoomas' sounds a lot like something a pirate wants? Like, 'Argghh matey! Give me yee basoomas!'"

I said, "I don't think that pirates say 'yee'. I think it's more of an 'err' sound."

Dave said, "I doubt it."

**12:00pm**

Dave said, "You know when you were talking to Bertha?"

I said, "Yeah?"

Dave said, "You remember what you said about what she should do?"

"Yeah…"

"Isn't that what you did with Robbie?"

I said, "Yes…"

He said really lowly, "And look how well that worked out…" but I don't think I was supposed to hear that part.


	14. Infected owls, and suicidal goldfish

Disclaimer: I don't own Confessions of Georgia Nicolson, Just Dance 2, or Amélie

**A/N Buckets of sorriness! I actually don't remember the last time I updated. That could mean one of two things, that it's been a while, or that I have a bad memory. Anyways, I've been reading a book every three days since last Saturday (Pretty Little Liars, awesome book), and playing the Sims 2(I made a 'Billy Shakespeare-a-gogo land neighborhood). I also think my betaish fetish fell off the face of the earth! =[ Anywhooo….**

**Enjoyyy!**

**3:00pm**

**Outside the loo**

I've been waiting here for 5 minutes.

**2 minutes later**

I'm going in.

**3:15pm**

Laughing

So. Hard (oo-er).

Oh…God…

…

**3:30pm**

I guess I should be worried, but I'm laughing too hard.

**10 minutes later **

**Living room**

I said, "And Libby was stuffing socks in her bra…hahahahaha… saying 'big basoomas, big basoomas…' What's wrong with her?"

Dave said, "I guess the acorn doesn't fall far from the cactus."

**1 minute later**

Hmph.

**6:30pm**

Dave just left, not forgetting to snog me, numero 6-io, of course.

I don't think we know how to be matey-type mates. Maybe there's a reason for that.

**30 seconds later**

I can hear vati, mutti, and Uncle Eddie outside. No use in trying to run upstairs, I wouldn't have enough time before they got in. I'll just pretend I'm asleep.

**1 minute later**

No sense in that either, even if I was asleep, they would have woken me up. Uncle Eddie and vati are making farting noises with their mouths, and Libby is clapping along singing "Bananaaaaa".

They're all bloody mad.

**10 minutes later**

After their concert was over Uncle Eddie explained that he'd gotten this new video game called "Just Dance 2". Apparently you copy the moves on the screen, and make a complete arse out of yourself.

**1 minute later**

I'm definitely not going to do it, but I'd love to see them dance.

**5 minutes later**

One can only assume by the way they're warming up (lunches, pelvic thrusts, etc.) that they've been drinking.

**2 minutes later**

The game has loaded, and they've broken out the vinto. This should be good.

**30 minutes later**

Oh God. This game is amazing. Dad and Uncle Eddie have actually broken one of our windows when they fell over each other dancing to "Rehab" by a lady with beehive styled hair.

**9:00pm**

**Bedroom**

I finally had to leave. I mean it was très amusant, but vati took of his wig (!) and that was enough for me. And if that was bad enough, Libby, Uncle Eddie, and vati started having a farting contest. Gross.

**10 minutes later**

It's time like these where I miss being a girl. Because I could be doing my beautiosity work. But no. I can't give up; if I do then I'll be forced to be Dave the Laugh's slavey girl. Can you imagine what he'd make me do?

I'd be walking around naked for the whole week. Well actually no, on occasion he'd let me wear a hula skirt. Probably to live out some creepy Hawaiian fantasy.

Also, if he's my slavey boy, I could make him carry me around everywhere. And do my froggy homework.

**5 minutes later**

**Looking at my legs in the mirror**

It's like a forest. I should measure it.

They're at least a meter long.

And don't ever get me started on my eyebrows.

**10:00pm**

I wonder what the Sex God is doing.

**10:15pm**

Cooorr…I've just thought about his eyes.

**1 minute later**

And his hair, and his arms, and his lips…

I don't think he has any flaws. At all.

**10:20pm**

Well except for dating a slug, but that's beside the point.

**10:30pm**

Hey! There's another good point for me having the "Now that I have the snogging sickness" list, I don't have to see Wet Lindsay!

But I also don't get to see any of my mates. I can't believe they haven't called, or visited all day. Don't they care about me?

**10:45pm**

I wonder where Bertha went…

Zzzzzz…

**Tuesday September 12****th**

**11:00am**

I spent all of yesterday in the loo.

I didn't even bother eating.

I wonder if I've lost weight in my nose. Can that happen?

**2 minutes later**

Nope. It seems even bigger now that I've lost all this weight.

Fantastic.

**11:30pm **

**Checking messages**

No messages from any of my so called mates. But there were two from Robbie.

He says that he misses me, and is going to "ski the hills of tomorrow", which means "come visit your lunch tomorrow". I made it up; I think its vair creative.

**1 minute later**

Oh God. That's in a half hour.

**Loo**

Mutti has this de-oilalizer of the face soap.

It's great. Your skin can be oily, and you just use the soap, and viola! You have yourself oil-free skin without any make-up.

I wonder if this works on hair, too.

**2 minutes later**

Ouch! It doesn't work on hair.

My scalp burns!

**5 minutes later**

Scrubbing my scalp like there's no yesterday. Or tomorrow. I don't remember but it hurts!

**11:40pm**

Putting my wig back on. When did my face get this red?

**11:45pm**

Lying down on the couch with frozen meat on my face. I hope this de-reds it.

**11:59pm**

Doorbell is ringing. He's here.

Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh.

**At the door**

I stuck the meat under the couch, hopefully Angus will find it.

**Walking around the park with Robbie**

He said that he'll probably get in trouble if they find him skipping, but he missed me too much.

**2 minutes later**

Robbie leaned into kiss my cheek, but the second he touched it, he jumped back.

What? Whyyy? My nunga's are well strapped down, I could almost here Dave say "boo!" to that, and my hair was on my head, and my nose was sucked in. Why is he jumping away from me? Poo and also merde.

**20 seconds later**

I think he noticed my disappointed expression.

Robbie said, "Well, it's like, I kind of...it's hard to…I have to go."

And he ran the opposite direction of his house.

Was I just dumped?

I hope not.

I'm confused.

**Jas's house**

Jas has a goldfish bowl on her head, not literally a goldfish in a bowl on her head, like the whole part on her head like a space man. She says she's afraid of catching my germs. I keep breathing heavily on all her owls. Ha.

**20 minutes later**

Jas about past out for lack of oxygen, so she made me stay outside her room, with her door closed, and while she disinfects her room, I'm explaining what happened with Robbie earlier.

Jas shouted, "Tom has been acting the same way. Whenever we're video chatting, I'll go to snog the screen, so it's like I'm snogging him, but he'll turn away and then start talking about vegetables! Not that I have a problem with vegetables, I've been learning a lot more about them since I've been working! Did you know that an average potato-"

I opened the door before she could say anything more, grabbed an owl, threw it at her, and went back outside her room.

I shouted, "Jas, please shut up! And focus on me! Is she turned off by me being a boy-girl? Is it my nose? I think it's getting smaller, what do you think?"

"I think it's actually got flatter!"

"I had meat on it before!"

"Why?"

"My face burned!"

"Oh!"

1 minute later

Jas's mom came by and said, "Why did your face burn?"

"I needed to de-oilalize my face."

Jas shouted, "You want to de-ionize your face? Why would you do that?"

Sacre bloody bleu.

**30 minutes later**

Merde. Bertha will be home soon from her walk with Hurley. She goes on them for an hour for exercise. But whenever she comes home her make-up is all smudged. I think she just cries.

**Home**

**Bertha is trying to teach me froggers. She's put on the movie "****Amélie". We're at the part where the fish tries to commit suicide, I don't blame him. If I wasn't so tired, I would probably would, because Bertha is crying. She's saying things about symbolism in the way he tries to free himself from the confines of an unloving home.** **Of course Bertha, of course.** 20 minutes later **Amélie said, "You'll never be a vegetable. Even cabbages have hearts."** **It's a real hoot and a half.** 30 seconds later **Not.**


	15. A Tour Bus Full of Vases Hit my Brother

**It didn't that's just the name of the chapter.**

**Monday September 20th**

How long have I been out of school?

Like 2 weeks? That's almost a year.

I think I'm starting to grow a beard.

**5 minutes later**

**Looking in the mirror**

Yep. That's definitely a beard.

And a small bit of a mustache. I'll have a goatee by the time I finally go back to school.

**30 seconds later**

Which will most likely be never. In case you were wondering. I am.

**7:30am**

**Kitchen**

Mutti cooked "breakfast". It's a chopped up banana with cold oat meal. Yum.

**5 minutes later**

The portly one came and sat down across from me at the table. Oh joy unbounded.

Dad said, "You know what I realized when I looked in the mirror this morning?"

In a bit of cleverosity, I said, "That you're old?"

He gave me a bit of a glare and said, "That I look a bit like that Johnny Depp fellow. He's English, right?"

I spit out the sip of orange juice I had just taken. "Dad, he's Cherokee."

"Like the car?"

Oh mon Dieu.

**10 minutes later**

Bertha wanted me to write a paper on what I like to do. She's a vegetarian so this should be fun.

I've made a list:

Hunting rabbits

Burning down forests

Eating dandelions

Plucking off the feathers of owls

I should send this paper to Jas after I'm done, and sign it from Tom. Hahahahaha. I'm so going to do it!

**20 minutes later**

Phones ringing.

**30** **seconds** **later**

I said, "Bonjour!"

Rosie said, "Bonjour ma petite malade pally pal! How are you on this fine winter day, c'pain?"

"Fine and also diddly dandy with a large side of full poonosity."

"I'm sorry to ruin this happy moment for you then."

Happy moment? Oh yeah. "Why would you be ruining it? You're not singing, or talking about trees. This is actually a fabbity fab moment!"

"It's not going to be though."

"Why's that?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because-"

She was cut off by Sven singing. "O Canada! Our home and native land! True patriot love in all thy PANTS command. With glowing PANTS we see thee rise. The true North strong and free!"

Rosie said, "Sven! Shush! I'm trying to tell Georgia that Masimo is a vampire!"

I said, "A what? Rosie! Get your arse back on the phone! How is Masimo a vampire?"

After a million minutes of waiting, Rosie said, "The signs are all there Georgia. He's barely out in day light, so you don't see his sparkles, but they're there. And according to the books not all vampires have pale skin. Also, his eyes. They're yellow, meaning he doesn't drink human blood. He's bloody gorgeous, and has a great voice. Another vampire trait. And to top it all off, he comes from Italy. That's where the Volturi live. His family probably IS the Volturri!"

**10 minutes later**

Hyperventilating.

Holy merde and also crap.

**5 minutes later**

No. He can't be. He would've made a pass for my neck if he was, and he hasn't. I mean he probably can't resist me as is, so if he actually was a vampire then I'd be bloodless. He's not a vampire though.

**1 minute later**

I hope.

Oh good. The phone's ringing, it's probably Sven asking me to join him and Rosie in another rendition of "O PANTS".

**2 minutes later**

Oh my giddy God's trousers!

AHHHHHHHH!

**30 seconds later**

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**1 minute later**

MASIMO IS BACK

WHY?

HE'S EARLY!

And he'll be at my house in 15 minutes!

How did this happen?

All he said was "Ciao, is Georgia there?"

I said, "Oui, it is moi!" I don't know why I all of a sudden became French but that's beside the point.

He said, "Ciao, Cara! I am back early from Italy. When can I be seeing you?"

I said, "Ciao, Masimo…erm, of course as long as you've got your groovin' pantaloons on."

He said, "Yes I think I do… but when?"

I said, "Err… (dribble, cough) now?"

He said, "I'll be arrived in 15 minutes. I can't wait to how you say, 'snog your face off'".

**3 minutes later**

Blimey. I'd love for him to snog my face off. I hope that doesn't include my neck. Why would it though? He's not a vampire. I'll just wear a scarf to protect it. Just in case. Even though he won't try and bite it.

**30 seconds later**

I guess no one has told him about Robbie, or my sudden transvestiteness. Well I'm not going to be the one to do so. I'll just have mutti get the door, and close all the blinds so no one from the outside can see me. And voila! I can be a girl.

**10 minutes later**

I'm wearing a short skirt, with tights underneath because I didn't have time to shave, and unless he's like Sven who lurves the furry tights look then he'd run screaming for the hills.

**5 minutes later**

I wouldn't blame him. I'm also wearing a basooma holder, with a sports bra on top to make sure there are no jumpers. And a nice blue top, with a matching scarf. Just in case.

I went for the subtle look make-up wise. Only a little bit of concealer to try and cover up my mustachio, and of course 5 coats of lippy, 10 coats of mascara and a little bit of eye pencil with sparkly bits in it.

I didn't have time to do my hair, so I just put it in a vair French side pony. I look sophis and whatist. That is what I Iike to think.

**1 minute later**

Door bells ringing

I've explained the plan to mutti, for some reason she actually went along with it.

**20 seconds later**

**Sitting like a bella whatsit on the couch**

He came right up to me and we did full-frontal knutchenning.

Crikey he's a good kisser.

**10 minutes later**

I finally had to stop and take a breath. When I opened my eyes he was looking at me with his lovely unmad, yellow eyes. What if he's thinking, "I vant to shuck your bloooddd!" I moved sat on the far end of the couch in an unnoticeable way.

That's when I saw my mom still standing by the door jumping up and down and air clapping.

I think I'm going to die.

**2 minutes later**

I got my jacket with a big hood, and convinced Masimo to go outside.

**On the garden wall**

Masimo said, "What is wrong with your mouth?"

What? My mouth? I quickly wiped it afraid that there was something hanging out of it. I mean I'm not Angus or Libby, but you never know.

Masimo took both of my hands and said, "No, _mi_ _dispiace_. I meant la _tua_ _voce_."

My what? Tour vase? I took out my Italian-English pocket dictionary that Jas gave me and quickly looked up tour and vase. Tour is tour, and vase is vaso.

I said, "_Il mio_... _tour_ _vaso_(?)...est...bein." Why did I always start speaking french around him?

He looked at me really confused. That makes two of us buddy. I was going to explain to him what I meant when I started coughing and sneezing a lot. It was like a laughing fit only not funny. And I fell off the wall.

He jumped off the wall to help me and said, "Cara, are you _malato_?"

Now I'm confused. I'm not a malt.

I started to say, "You mean gelat- oh! Sick! Sì, mi malato!" And I started coughing some more.

He picked me up and put me back on the wall. And started to stroke my cheek all lovingly. I hope his fingers don't go by my neck. They are. They're like neck feelers. Probably trying to find my pulse.

He said, "How did it happen?"

Uhhh. I was hoping to not have to bring this up until I got better.

I said, "Erm, I...got hit by un _autobus_."

Huhhh? Where did that come from? Why would I get hit by a bus and get sick?

**1 minute later**

He seems to by it though. Aren't vampires supposed to be really smart? And read minds? Maybe he's new at it and that's why he still doesn't fully understand english.

Now he's looking at the sidewalk and doing that nodding dog fandango.

Blimey. What if he talks to...well anyone? They all know. I have to bite this in the bottom(oo-er) before it gets out of hand.

I started to say, "Well, it wasn't actua-"

But he had already started talking. He said, "_Un autobus_ hit my brother. _Quando ci_ were younger..."

Oh...oh my God...

I said, "_Mi_ _dispacio_, Masimo...but...I didn't acutally get HIT by un autobus. I_ stato on un autobus_...uhh..._uno_ _secondo_..."

I flipped through my dictionary some more. Where was the word grandvati in this damn book?

I said, "I stato visita my nonno." Hehehe. Nonno.

Masimo did some more nodding dog imitation.

He started stroking my hair. Not the neck, not the neck! "You are _molto _sweet, Georgia. _Mi dispacio_, my _inglese male _bad after my visit to _Italia_."

I am really nice. I'm glad someone finally realized it.

**1 hour later**

After a lot of air snogging, you snog the person as if you're touching lips only you're not, it was Rosie's idea, he said he was feeling jet legged. I think he meant lagged, but you know those Italians and their legs, and possibly fangs.

**1 minute later**

Actually I don't. Sort of.

**20 minutes later**

I know I kind of let my red bottom run free and wild in the meadows of snogging, but technically I was half dumped by Robbie. He hasn't called me since his snog rejection. It does make me feel quite pooey when I think about it.

**1 minute later**

Speaking of Robbie...I'm feeling a bit peckish. Maybe mutti actually bought some food.

**5 minutes later**

Gadzooks and lackaday!

There's bread...and cheese! I can make a sandwich.

**1 minute later**

What is with stoves? Why do they always burn the bread once you put it on the burner? How does mutti always do this?

**3 minutes later**

Oh. That's what the pans do. I can't be bothered with those. I'll just put the bread in the toaster, and then combine in with cheese in the microwave.

**10 minutes later**

The kitchen is covered in breath crumbs, cheese, and smoke. Angus can get to it later, or maybe vati.

**1 minute later**

Ha. That would probably be too strenuous for vati.

One time, he asked me to carry him up the stairs. I just laughed at him. Then a few minutes later he had a lead on both Angus and Gordy, and was trying to get them to pull him up the stairs. They both attacked his beard. They probably thought it was an intruder cat. I don't blame them.

**5 mintues later**

We even have all the ingredients for a facial mask. I have to do it. I know I'm caving, but as long as Dave doesn't know, then it doesn't matter.

**9:00pm**

**Bed**

I have my oatmeal, honey, and yogurt facial on with cucumbers over my eyes. It smells a bit on the pingypongoes side, but I have this florally face mist to put on after. Anyways mom's Cosmo said it's supposed to reduce redness(which I seem to be needing a lot lately because of all this coughing), and it also helps spots.

**1 minute later**

I noticed two under my chin. Even on guys spots aren't attractif.

**Friday September 24****th**

**4:15pm**

Jas called me from home to say that she's coming over and she has a surprise for me. This should be good.

**4:30pm**

Jas is here.

She's wearing a crown made of leaves. I grabbed a match and threatened to set it on fire.

**4:45pm**

She finally took it off (oo-er).

Jas said, "So you know how it's a new term?"

I said, "No."

"It's only a few weeks after school started, so it's a new term…"

"Shut up, Jas."

"I was just-"

"Well don't."

And she got all huffy until I complimented her leaf crown.

She started to fiddle with her fringe and continued.

"Anyways, since it's a new term we're doing a play, again! Courtesy of Miss Wilson."

I rolled my eyes. "What's the play, Jas?"

"(Fringe fiddle, fiddle) The Crucible!"

"Isn't he that guy who has two of his own shows, and on each of them he thinks he funny, but really everyone on _their_ TV shows makes fun of him?"

"What? No. I said Crucible. Not Cosby."

Touché.

**5:00pm**

I said, "Jas, you haven't taken your phone out this whole time. What happened to it? Did a wild newt eat it?"

Jas got all red and said, "Something like that…"


	16. Take Off Your Knickers Where?

**September 24th **

**5:01pm**

**Bedroom**

I said, "What do you mean something like that?"

Jas got really red, and she's already red as is. Well, mostly her nose. I should call her Rudolph. But that's beside's the point. She was red.

Jas said, "Mabs and I were at the newt pond…"

"Of course you were."

She got all huffy, "Mabs has become very interested in nature, too. I like to think I influenced her."

"Of course you did.

"And Mabs said she saw this really rare newt, well it's not entirely rare, but it's usually found in the Eastern part of North America."

"Where?"

"The United States."

"Where?"

HAMBERGER. A. GOGO. LAND."

"Oooh."

Jas threw a jammy dodger at me.

"Wow, Jas, I've never known you to waste a jammy dodger." I made a point at pointing (huh?) at her bum.

"Oy, are you on the turn now? Been cooped up too long as a guy?"

"Shove it."

"Shove it? Shove what?"

"It."

"Where?"

Ugh.

5:20pm

After I explained to Jas that "where" was also The States, she shoved it.

I said, "You never finished your story."

"Oh, right." She fiddled her fringe a bit.

"Jas…"

"Yes, yes. Mabs thought she saw a Red Spotted newt. I got really excited and ran over to where she was."

"Wouldn't that scare it away?"

"No, because she had a newt trapper."

"That's not very humane."

"Look, she got the sodding newt and wanted to show it to me."

"Jeez, Jassy, don't have a nervy b on me."

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little stressed. Tom is barely talking to me."

**5:45pm**

The short and long of it is that Robbie and Tom are lezzies. Simple dimple.

**6:15pm**

Jas was about to leave when she started jumping around.

Jas said, "Oh! Oh! I forgot!"

I said, "Do you need to visit the piddly diddly department?

"No! But! I!" She started ruffling through her purse.

Jas said, "I have this!" And she shoved a piece of paper into my hands.

I said, "Why did you give me a paper?"

"Because, when I fell in the newt pond-"

"Wait, you fell in the newt pond? Hahahahahahaha! Did you have newts in your knickers? Hahahahahaha! That's your new name, Newt Knickers! Hahahahaha!" Oh God. !

This time she got really huffdied up. Even for Jas.

"Look, Gee. If you don't want to hear about how I got you a phone for your birthday, then I won't tell you."

Pardon?

I got down on my knees and held onto her leg. "Please, Jas, tell me. I'm very interested!"

**6:20pm**

After hours of begging, I got her to tell me.

Jas said, "My phone landed into a newt nest. And mutti newt wouldn't let me get to it, so I couldn't get it. Mutti let me order a new one, and it was buy one get one free. So I figured I'd give you the free one."

"Thank you, Jas! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Merci tubs!"

**6:25pm**

I was hugging Jas and thanking her continuously until the hater of all things nice, vati, came in and told us to shove it. What is with that phrase? I didn't even mean to say it, but it just came out. It sounds quite articulate. I think.

I was just letting Jas out when I opened the door and Davina the Giggle was standing outside.

I said, "Hi, Davina…what are you doing here?"

Dave said, "We need to talk, can you come outside?"

Uh-oh…

**6:35pm**

He had this sly "I know all" smile. It was weird. Even for him.

**6:40pm**

I was going to go mad. I said, "What is it, Dave?"

"Davina."

I rolled my eyes. "What is it, DAVINA?"

He said, "I may or may not know that you're not entirely a man."

"Well of course not."

He sighed, "I mean in drag."

Oh. Merde. Did he talk to Robbie? Play it cool, cool as _le cucumber_.

"I've been devoted to my drag. Look at me now!" I said pointing at my boxers and plain white t-shirt. "If that's not devotification, then what is?"

"Are you wearing knickers under it?"

"What kind of question is that? Of course I'm wearing knickers under them."

"Take them off."

"Dave!"

"Davina."

Davina! I'm not going to take my knickers off for you."

"Oo-er."

"Why do I need to take them off?"

"Because guys don't wear knickers under their boxers; unless you want to forfeit the competition."

"Fine." I started to walk again, hoping to find a nearby loo.

"No, now."

His voice startled me. "Why are you so demanding all of the sudden?"

"Because, I'm already being generous enough to let you still stay in this competition."

I sighed, took my knickers off, and slid them out of the left leg hole of my boxers.

Davina stuck out his hand.

"You WANT my knickers?"

"Oo-er. Just give them to me, Gee."

"You and Jas, so testy."

I gave him my knickers. He took them and tossed them into a bush.

"Jas would quite literally murder you if she saw that."

I heard cheering from behind the bushes.

Dave said, "I bet the tosser's a tenner that I could get your knickers."

Cheers, Dave.

**7:00pm**

Davina said that we have to start talking with either deep or masculine voices. He also said that he set Ellen up with one of his friends; I think his name is Declan. He's joining in on our bet, too. Dave also has given us opposite names to our gender. He's obviously Davina, I'm George, Ellen is Earl, Declan is Donna, Mabs is Matt, Edward is Erica, Rosie is Ron, and Sven is Cleopatra. Sven chose that name for himself.

Très bizarre.


	17. Under a Tree, Under a Tree

**Monday September 28****th**

**Same bat time, same bat place**

Before mutti left for work, she said that I should stop lazing around the house, and take up a hobby or something like that. I don't really remember. It's either that or she was recreating the holocaust for me. There was a lot of arm waggling.

**1 minute later**

I really should start paying more attention.

**30 seconds later**

Or not.

**10 minutes later**

What I really should be working on is being French. Have you ever noticed that no one who's French is ever unsophisticated?

**1 minute later**

Or bathes.

**11:00am**

Anyways, vati says that I'm immature. Maybe I'll go watch those games shows that adults are always yelling at.

**11:30am**

Oh my giddy, giddy aunt. It's just really fat women, jumping around. Sort of like Bertha.

**2 minutes later**

Speaking of Bertha, she's still sleeping. Just as well, because today she wanted Davina and I to focus on games. She says by sitting around the house we'll get really fat.

You're one to talk, oh lardy one.

**11:45pm**

How safe is that! Bertha left her cigarettes out on the table. I might as well start my sophisticatnosity. That's what the French are also known for. Smoking.

**5 minutes later**

**Smoking out my window.**

Finally got that damn lighter to work.

**2 minutes later**

This isn't so bad. Oh God, Bertha's knocking on the door. And I just inhaled way too much smoke. What do I do with the cigarette? I'll put it in my pocket!

"Come in! (Cough, cough, gag, choke)"

Bertha said, "Sorry I'm up so late, I was out late" And she winked.

Sure, sure, that's fine, just get out. This thing is burning through my jimjams! Maybe if I start dancing she'll just leave. Good plan.

I started dancing.

Bertha said, "What're you doing?"

I said, "MY PANTS ARE ON FIRE! IT'S A DANCE!"

"Oh, you have to teach me that one!"

No. No I don't.

And she started doing pelvic thrusts, and shimmies. I'm going to die.

**5 minutes later **

She finally left when I told her there was bacon in the fridge. Oww! Oww! Buggering ouch!

My leg is all burned now. I'm just going to lie in my bed, and maybe I can slide down the stairs on a carpet.

**4 minutes later**

Nothing to do upstairs. And Davina should be here soon.

**2 minutes later**

On a towel. Sliding down the stairs. On my back.

This isn't as successful as it was in Princess Diaries 2. They used a mattress, but a mattress and a towel are virtually, and unvirtually the same thing.

**12:15pm**

Finally had to crawl down the stairs. Davina is at the kitchen table. I think I've really gotten into the whole transgender thing. I haven't even worried about my looks.

**1 minute later**

Until now.

**30 seconds later**

Oh great.

**5 minutes later**

I ran back upstairs to put on cute guy clothes.

Davina and Brenda are talking about shoes.

**30 minutes later**

Running. Bertha said it's a good cardio workout. Judging by her cankles, she wouldn't know a good cardio workout if it bit her on the arse.

**2 minutes later**

And the cardio workout would have to have a big mouth because her arse is pretty large.

She also said that it's good for your lungs. This doesn't make much sense if you ask me. Having to over work your lungs, which aren't working properly already. Vair bizarre.

**5 minutes later**

Ugh. I wish I could've worn a sports bra. My basoomas are flying everywhere. Davina keeps bragging about how supported he feels in his over the shoulder boulder holder.

I said, "Sod off, Davina. This is very uncomfortable."

Davina said, "That's no way to talk to a lady. Show me with some respect!" And he whipped out his purse and hit me with it.

"Where did you get that purse from?"

"My basooma holder. There's surprisingly a lot of room in here. Not that you would know about that."

Ugh. He makes me so mad. I hate him. I hate him. I'm going to…push him down hill.

**4 minutes later**

Running up a hill. Haha! Right when we go to the top, Davina's going down. Quite literally might I add.

**1 minute later**

I was about to push Davina down the hill, when he grabbed out for my arm. I swear he has telekemarketnesis senses or something. You know when you can predict things that will happen on the stock market? Or something like that.

**30 seconds later**

Rolling down the hill sometimes on top of Davina, and sometimes he's on top of me. It's like rolling while getting to number ten.

**2 seconds later**

With our clothes on.

**1 minute later**

This is a very steep hil- oof! We've rolled into a tree.

**1 minute later**

I'm on top of Davina, and we're both laughing. Probably because our wigs fell off halfway down the hill.

**30 seconds later**

He's looking at me all not Dave the Giggle like.

**2 minutes later**

Snogging.

I wonder if this will prolong the snogging sickness healing. Maybe that would mean that we'd half to be taught lessons together for a longer amount of time. Just in case I'll keep snogging him.

**1 hour later**

Bloody hell.

At some point we thought it'd be safer to move deeper into the woods so no one would see. We've gotten to number 7. Davina isn't too bad at it, might I add. But I won't get into the rudeydudeys of it.

**1 minute later**

Maybe I will.

**30 seconds later**

His hands are so gentle. He even does varying pressure; it's like snogging only not exactly snogging.

**5 minutes later**

I think I could fall asleep like this. On Davina's chest, just listening to his heart beat. It seems so normal. His heart beat I mean. I wouldn't be surprised if he could hear mine; it's beating as fast as a humming bird can run.

**1:10pm**

I wonder if by snogging him I'm a lezzie. Because he's a girl, and so am I. But I'm also a boy, and so is he. Maybe it's like two positives make a negative and negative being a lesbian. Because face it, who would not want to be able to snog boys?

My lips are going to be so swollen later. They were already getting chapped from the cold, and now they'll be even worse since it's been so long since I've snogged anyone.

**5 minutes later**

The last person I snogged was Masimo. It was a bloody good snog, too.


	18. Admit Defeat or Forever Hold Your Peace

Tuesday October 12th

**12:15pm**

I've been messing around with my new phone lately. It's vair handy. Like for calling your mates late at night so your vati doesn't have a nervy b at 1 am. Or for getting your mates to come over. Pour example: last weekend I wanted Rosie to come over, but her parents were finally home, and they didn't want her going out. So I texted her really depressing things for her to show her mom.

I wrote things like "I'm so lonely, my parents aren't home, my boyfriend doesn't even want to snog me, maybe I deserve this."

Or "My cat is the only one who cares, all my mates are ignoring me."

But what I really think got her was when I turned "Amazing Grace" into a song about my suicide.

**20 minutes later**

Speaking of boyfriends, I finally found out why Robby wouldn't snog me.

Because of "religious reasons".

Seriously.

He told me that pre-marital anything is forbidden where he's staying. And he really wants to respect his host family.

He's coming back soon, but I'm worried he's going to keep up with his new religion.

It's the same thing with Tom, but at least he's still being romantic and cute with Jas.

**5 minutes later**

Oh mon Dieu. Did I just admit that Hunky and Poe are cute together?

I must be suffering from cabin fever. It's a good thing I'm going back to school Thursday.

**2 minutes later**

Again, I go back to school in the middle of the week. It's all Slim's fault, she said that she wanted to make sure I'm cured. Like she actually cares.

**1:00pm**

**Walking to work**

**Running**

I'm not even running because I'm late, I'm running because of Libby and Angus.

I walked downstairs and saw Libby feeding mutti's new lotion to Angus. Being the vair considerate daughter I am, I took it away from them. They both stopped for a few seconds, looked at me and attacked me. It was like they were some gang and I was just walking casually down a dark alley in the slums. Minding my own business.

Working has become easier, because I'm stuck in the back. Mrs. Jennings is worried I'll contaminate the pregnant and fat women so she has me sorting vegetables. Jas and her even made up a song for it. I wish I could remember it, but whenever they start singing, I jump in the nearest veggie bin.

15 minutes later

Just got to the shop

"Dive! Dive! Dive!"

What! Why? Oww! Someone's throwing cucumbers at me!

30 seconds later

Okay…it stopped.

"Lt. Nicolsson, admit your defeat now or forever hold your peace!"

"I'm not a lieutenant…okay! Stop throwing things at me!"

Mabs (as Matt) stood up from behind a crate dressed in a soldier's uniform that was way too small for her. "State your business."

I said, "I'm here to work…"

Then Edward(as Erica) popped up next to her in one of those provocative soldier outfits mutti and her mates wear to costume parties.

Erica said, "A likely story!"

Then Sven(as Cleopatra) stood up behind both of them aimed his potato gun at me and fired off another cucumber.

I said, "Bloody hell, Cleopatra! What is wrong with you?"

Cleopatra just shrugged, and hid behind the crate again.

"Seriously, what are you doing?"

I hate being the butt of a joke.

Jas(who was dressed in her work uniform, a very unflattering smock) said, "Since you've been MIA, Rosi-I Mean Ron showed us these video games of her dad's. They involve stragetizing, and fighting, and if you're lucky, agriculture!"

I said, "First of all, Jas, I haven't been MIA. I've been in my house. Stuck there. With no frien-"

Jas said, "You've had Davina."

I tried not to blush. "He's not MINE, we were just both ironically sick, and had to share the same tutor. Besides, he went back to school last week. So I've been in my house. Stuck there. With no friends. For a week."

At this point, everyone stood up from their post.

I said, "Wait, Davina, what are you doing in the fridge?"

Davina said, "Standing my ground, protecting from intruders."

Is this really my life?

I said, "Jas, don't we have to work?"

Jas said, "Mrs. Jennings called and said she was take a mental health day, so we didn't have to come in. We have the whole day to ourselves."

Ron said, "Which is why we're here. To tell you that you're on the red team, which consists of you, Jas, Mabs, Ellen(as Earl), Edward, and Davina, Cleopatra, Declan(as Donna) and I are the blue team. You guys get the North side of the park, and we get the South side. The fight begins in 1 hour. Anything goes. "And she winked.

Ellen(Earl) said, "Well, umm…what if like…you don't have a c-compass? Or know like the sides of the you know earth?"

Davina said, "It's simple, the sun always faces South."

Jas looked terrified. "What? Do you not pay attention at all?"

Davina looked at her confused, "Nope."

Edward(Erica) grabbed Jas and said, "C'mon Jas, we have a lot of planning to do."

**1:00pm**

**Basement of Jenning's Grocery**

I didn't know this place had a basement. They have a huge round table set up with maps, and charts set up around the room.

Erica sat at the head of the table, and the rest of the red team filled in the other seats.

Ron said, "What's our plan, Captain Crunch?"

Edward said , "To take down the blue team."

Mabs said, "Now, if you'd all open your pamphlets, and turn to page 11, we can begin."

I opened the pamphlet, it was full of stick figures drawn in crayon.

I said, "Wait…Mabs, Eddie…why aren't you two in drag?"

Edward blushed. "Well...the school was getting really mad at us…so Donna, Davina, and I had to quit it…I wasn't supposed to say anything…but there's no other way to explain why."

I said, "I knew it! Dave's been acting strange around me, and doesn't stay around any longer than he has to for our classes! Ha! I won! Where is their base? I have to go tell him!"

Edward said, "No, Gee! You can't!"

I was already have way out the door at this point. "Why not?"

"Because…truth is…he knows that you haven't been in drag around the homosexualist. He said he didn't want to ruin the game, because he liked having an excuse to be around you. Like asking make-up tips, and techniques for shaving."

Ron said, "Awwwww…."

I said, "How long have you guys been out of drag?"

"About two weeks."

"How long as he known that I haven't always been in drag?"

"I'm not sure, but I know he saw you and Masimo together, I guess since then."

"Oh…"


	19. Authorsnote

Authors Notes:

Before any of you get your pitch forks and start to form a mob to lynch me I do plan on continuing this FF. I was reading through all of your comments or reviews or whatever those things are called and you're all so sweet and I remember how much I loved writing it, and I love that people love reading it and it's just one big love fest. I have a few ideas in mind, but mostly I'm thinking about skipping ahead to an (undetermined) time in Georgia's life, nothing significant, but I'll have her tell what has gone on in flash backs to make things easier because I have a lot of ideas, and want to get them all down for you guys. I also have an idea for another fanfiction that I started I don't even know how long ago, but I'm thinking about typing it up and posting it and if you like it I'll continue, if you don't I probably still will because I'm fond of the idea. Anyway, I need to go back and go through the chapters to get me in the mood(oo-er) and then I should be posting something in the near future.

Xoxo,

Tay


	20. Update on my Fab Life

A/N I'm such a loser I reread the last chapter 18 and I like was cracking up at myself. I'm vair hilariousment. Okie go read.

**Friday, October 29th**

**Walking home, thinking thoughtful thoughts**

**5:00pm**

Had to stay late after school to catch up on my classes.

None of my mates are around, and Angus' stomach is digesting my phone so I can't call them.

Life sucks.

**1 minute later**

It happened like this, I took the battery out after dropping the phone in a puddle. Jas told me that you were supposed to put it in noodles if you drop it in water and it dries it all out and makes it work. Angus thought it was food, and ate the phone. And then he got bored with the thing and left it on my pillow. Now I am phoneless, friendless, and only speaking to Gordy at the moment.

**2 minutes later**

That is one of the many things that have happened in the past few weeks. I'm very sorry my little chumbly wumblies, if I haven't mentioned that yet. I have been really missing in action this time. And I mean a lot of action. I'm quite proud of myself. I've seen the sights, snog the snoggers, and just received a high mark on my French exam. Take that Hawkeye!

Anyway, I feel I should give you a little bit of an update as to what has happened.

You know how we had our teams and strategies planned out? After Edward told me about Dave not being in drag, and knowing about me being not in drag, and oh bugger this is confusing. I still haven't talked to Dave yet about it. Is that bad? I mean I have my Sex God Boyfriend, Robbie, who came back a few days ago, and I told him that my drag was for a women's studies class I was taking outside of school (hahahahahahaha could you imagine me doing extra work? Woo. That is a good one) and he bought it. Poor guy.

**5 minutes later**

Dave still comes around for advice, which is quite nice, and I still secretly enjoy it.

I'm sort of fearful of his impending transvestiteness in the future.

**30 seconds later**

I have only snogged him twice in the time I've been away from you lovely readers.

**2 minutes later**

I thought this made me a lesbian, so I consulted Jas and she said technically it makes mea lezzy, because Dave was dressed as a female, but I told her that I was dressed as a male, and then she started flipping through her pocket bible that Tom gave her (religious host family, remember?) and I took it and through it out a window and she got mad so I gave her a hug, and told her I loved her. Once I let go she told me she needed to go do something and when I asked what she said, "I need to go sanitize myself". Honestly, it's the 20th century, aren't we over these prejudices?

**4 minutes later**

Did I mention how the other day I was hit on by a woman? It was very traumatizing. Almost as bad as when Dave joined Uncle Eddy and my Vati in a rendition of "Take a Chance on me". Almost.

I was just walking along like I am now, and this girl came up to me and started doing all the things that I would do if I was flirting with someone. (I.e. batty eyelashes, winking, rolling of the skirt, sticky out chest, the whole 5 yards.) I was too embarrassed for myself, or for her I've yet to determine, so I ducked my head into my coat and started mumbling about a date with the queen.

**10 minutes later**

Had to take a moment to compose myself, it is still hard for me to relive. Let's see, what else do I need to tell you? Red team, which was made of me and others but I'm really the only one who matters, won. We found their headquarters almost two days into the game, it was in Jas' garden, vair creatif. Not. After we found out all of their plans, and roughed up Jas' tomato plants a tad, they admitted defeat.

Jas only started talking to me yesterday. She says because I was Lieutenant that it was my entire fault that she won't be able to enter her plant in the veggie festival.

**1 minute later**

Did I mention I snogged Dave the Laugh and am still dating Robbie and I have no bloody idea what I'm going to do? That has been on my mind quite a lot. It started like this. We were walking home from school, he came to meet me and walk me home, as he has been doing since we went back. We were walking along, acting just as mates do, and shoving each other into things that had leaves. I may have still been a bit delirious, and not in tip-top shape medical wise, because I mistook Dave for Robbie. We got to number four on the snogging scale. A kiss lasting over three minutes without a breath.

**30 seconds later**

With a little bit of number 5. Open mouths.

**5 seconds later**

What is this, an interrogation? I'm not a criminal! Fine, fine, I admit it we got to a number 6. And that's all I swear, your officer.

**1 minute later**

What I won't admit is to how far we got the second time.

**6 minutes later**

That is between his hands and mine. And the dark room we were in. But this is a story for later times for I am quickly approaching my home and I can already hear shouting. I'm surprised the neighbors haven't called the child services by now, this just shows how little they care for other people.

**Walking up sidewalk**

Next time they're screaming because they're on fire or there is a burglar I won't help them. When the policeman asks me while I'll say "I was teaching them a lesson".

**Opening the door**

All I hear is, "duck!" So I instinctively lifted my hands to catch it.

It was a bloody dinner plate.

**1 minute later**

Mutti and vati were fighting.

I asked, "Why are you two fighting?"

Vati looked at me and said, "Georgia will you please tell your mother that she is wrong."

I looked at her and smiled sweetly, "mutti, badgerman said you are fat." And I walked up to my room.

I didn't turn around but I think I heard mutti slap vati. I hope I'm not to blame for their divorce.

**Finally in bed after a long day of being me**

It would make a lot of sense if vati was actually part badger, at least I would know where all this hair came from. Maybe that's why Robbie is so attracted to me, because he likes nature so much and I'm a walking creature. Does that mean he's into beastie-whatsit?

**6:15pm**

I really hope not, because then that means I'll never be able to shave.

Is that a plus or a bonus?

**30 seconds later**

I mean minus, oof why am I so tired?

Maybe I'll just take a little bit of a snoozer, and finish my homework later.

**2:00am**

I feel very damp.

**2 minutes later**

I decided to move and look for what was making me damp. Someone must have opened my window and it rained. Now my entire room is soaked. Merde.

2:30am

I went to look for vati since he deals with these things for the most part, but he's not in their room so I got a very lovely(not) surprise by finding mutti in her nighty with her nunga-nungas falling out.

The conversation went something like,

Me: Mutti my room is soaked

Mutti: Get a towel

Me: Mutti my room is underwater, Angus is in there and he is about to drown

Mutti: Good.

The lack of care people show around here is appalling. Just because Angus doesn't have a chest the size of a famous mountain that would act as a floating device doesn't mean he deserves to drown.

**10 minutes later**

Found vati dearest outside, sleeping in the dog house we had set up for Angus when we first got him. He didn't take much of a liking to it.

After my laughing fit was over, I explained to him what happened, and you wouldn't believe he actually cared! I would've gotten down on my knees and thanked the gods but the ground was still wet.

**4:00am**

They said they would deal with it in the morning, so now I'm staying in Libby's room.

**1 minute later**

Do you know how hard it is to sleep next to a decapitated stuffed lamb? It wouldn't be so bad if there wasn't a circle in the middle of her floor. She definitely has to be practicing some type of ritual here, you cannot convince me otherwise.

If I survive the night I might have to send Satan a gift basket.

A/N: Shout out to my boyfriend for reading this thing and not knowing much about the book series. I love you baby.


	21. Loch ness Monster Called Heartbreak

**A/N**

**I'm going to try and update every two weeks. Classes are kicking my ass.**

**Saturday Oct 30****th**

**12pm**

**Libby's bed**

**Crying**

Do you want to know why I'm crying? I hope so because Jas didn't want anything to do with me. And I don't want anything to do with her and her big mouth. Her mouth is worse than Mark Big Gob. I have only snogged one of those two people, and I will tell you with certainosity, hers is **bigger.**

**30 seconds later**

I haven't snogged Jas in case you were wondering. After this morning though I might as well hop on the Lezzy Trolly because I am doomed to never have a man.

**1 minute later**

Ever

**2 minutes later**

What if I start growing trouser snaked addendums. I would be better off.

**5 minutes later**

I'm getting off subject though. I'm here to tell you about my morning. I woke up bright and early at the crack of 10am to Libs singing bible hymns. At least it wasn't the Satanic ritual as we previously thought. By we, I mean me and the rest of your reading this, since no one else pays attention to what I say.

I got up and got ready in my boy attire, simple pimple. Parents weren't home. There was no food. Just another day.

I was rummaging through the cabinets trying to find a cracker or something to munch on, when out of nowhere, the phone rang!

I could've sworn I was in the Twilight Zone, because that stuff never happens in this house.

Today is no normal day you see.

I sprinted to the phone and out of breath answered, "Nicolson residents, Georgia speaking," trying to sound all nice and polite because of such a rare occurrence.

Jas said, "Hi Georgia, it's me Jas!"

I said, "I know it's you Jas."

Jas said, "I wanted to make sure."

I said, "I'm sure it's you are you sure?" It was so fun messing with her head.

Jas paused for a second, "I hope it's me."

I rolled my eyes, "what is it, Jas?"

Jas said, "oh right, Robbie was just by here. He said he was going to come by your house. He didn't seem too thrilled. I would prepare a cake if I were you."

I felt like I was about to have a nervy b just at the mention of his name. "When is he coming Jas?" I practically screamed into the phone. I started to rip off my boy stuff waiting for her to respond.

Jas took another one of her long Jas-like pauses while she chewed on something. Probably her pen, or a carrot. "He left her almost 10 minutes ago."

I slammed down the phone and ran upstairs to get ready for him. I would call her back later.

**2 minutes later**

I only had time for lippy, and a change in outfits before I heard the doorbell ring.

**10 minutes later**

**At the door**

I was at the door. I'm not at the door now, I'm in my bed all weepy. In the scenario I was at the door though. Just wanted to clarify for those less bright than the average light bulb.

I opened the door and who was standing there but the gorgy sex god himself.

Robbie smiled his gorgy smile and said, "Hi Georgia."

And would you like to know what I said? I said, "Bonjour Robert." I didn't even know if that was his actual name but I used it and at that point he probably thought I was having an affair and confused the names.

The thing he didn't know is that if I was confusing the names I would have said Bonjour Dave.

I think Robbie didn't hear me, or chose not to, and continued talking. "Can we talk?" He asked.

Oh no. That was worse than the whole 's'laters' fandango. Nothing understandable comes from either of those things. Especially when a boy says it.

We walked a little ways to sit on the ledge near my lawn, and we sat. And sat.

**1 minute later**

We sat for so long my bum started to go numb, and I had to stand up and do a couple of jumping jacks to get the feeling.

**30 seconds later**

It also probably gave him a nice few of my nunga-nungas.

If he was upset or something, this would be a good reminder of how attracif his girlfriend is.

**2 minutes later**

I did a few jumping jacks, and sat back down on the ledge. I tried to smile and act sweet after. "I'm very into fitness," I told Robbie. He just nodded at me. Was he attending the nodding dog convention too?

**5 minutes later**

This is the amount of time it took for him to break up with me.

You read it correctly folks, Georgia and Robbie are no more.

I treaded in the sea of love, and was attacked and eaten by the loch ness monster called heart break.

**2 minutes later**

Where even is the loch ness monster?

Does she have a boy in her life? Or is that why she is called heart break and eats sad people, because she is sad too.

**12:45pm**

Woah is me. I am now as lonely as a cloud on a clear day.

**1 minute later**

Why am I not writing poetry. I'm so full of sadness and depressionosity just like Da Vinci.

**3:00pm**

I've compiled a list in ways I am perfect for the job of writing sad things.

List:

I have a mad family

I have mad cats

I am sad 110 % of the time

I am bad at maths

This means I have to be good at writing

I am a transvestite in the making

I don't have a boyfriend

I'm currently crying myself to sleep

And then I fell asleep. The list only took me 15 minutes, but then I dozed off a bit.

**2 minutes later**

Maybe I should call Jas back and apologize.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I pride myself on being able to laugh even though my life is a sham.

**1 minute later**

I should mention how she has the hump with me.

After Robbie broke my heart, shattering it to pieces, I called Jas back and poured my heart out over the phone to her.

When I didn't get any response I asked if she was still there and she said "I'm ignoring you."

And then I might've told her that her fringe was ugly.

She got a bit more grumpy after that, but I was too sad to care.

**3:30pm**

Now I'm all alone.

**10 minutes later**

Still lying here. Wondering what the point is.

**2 minutes later**

I wonder what Dave the Laugh is doing.

**Living room**

**4 minutes later**

**Decided to call Dave**

He answered on the second ring, he's so great.

Dave said in a high pitched voice, "Hello."

I said in a normal voice, "Dave, it's me, Georgia."

Dave said, "Georgia dah-ling, it's great to hear from you. How are you doing?"

I sort of got all weepy again and said, "He broke up with me."

He said, "Of course, kitty cat. I'll be there in two shakes of a camel's hump."

I have to admit that cheered me up a bit. I'm glad he didn't get all humpty dumpty when I mentioned the break up, he's such a good mate.

Yes, that's what we are. We're just mates.

For now.

**Back in bed**

I don't even want to get dressed in drag, but if I don't then I'll need to be his slavey girl. Rosie gave me some insight to his plans, and… I don't even want to repeat some of the stuff.

**Bathroom**

**4:05pm**

**Getting ready**

Put my wig on, and my clothes back on.

I know I'm all sad but putting this stuff on sort of cheered me up.

Not because I'm turning in a transvestite.

Not that that's a bad thing. My grandma was a transvestite, and she was quite a colorful character.

Literally (hahahah).

**2 minutes later**

I'm done now.

I forget how easy it is to get ready if you're a guy.

The doorbell just rang, again. I'm very nervous to answer it, again. I'm just hoping that Dave won't break up with me, too.

Even if we're not a couple.

Maybe he could do the opposite of break up with me.

**1 minute later**

I wouldn't mind that.

**5 minutes later**

I offered for Dave and me to go on a walk. I know leaving Libby alone in the house isn't a good idea, but she has Gordy and Angus to watch her.

I don't know which one is more responsible.

**10 minutes later**

**Silent walk**

I imagine this is how the underground railroad felt. I'm not sure how they're the same because we're not hiding but they had to walk and were quiet, as are Dave and me.

He is holding my hand though.

**2 minutes later**

I have to say something.

"Did you know that hippopotamus is greek for under water race horse?"

He stopped walking and turned to me and said "did you know that you're mad?"

I got a little offended at that and said, "did you know that you're mad?"

He said, "how am I mad?"

I said, "for thinking that I'm mad."

He said, "am I mad for wanting to snog you?"

I said, "I don't believe so."

And he snogged me.

It was only a number four, and would've been longer had some lonely women not been standing right behind us because we were sort of blocking the walk way, but my legs were jello.

Dave turned to the woman, and sounding a bit cross he said, "excuse me madam, but I was in the middle of something."

The women got all red and flustered, sort of like Jas when you touch her owls.

Dave got down on one, and took my hand in his. He did a quick 4.5, hand kissing, at least I think that's what it was. Jas tried to explain it to me and she told me how Tom sucks on her fingers, and I told her I had to go dunk my head in water in hopes of forgetting she ever said that. Dave just placed a kiss on my hand and smiled up at me.

"George, will you do me the hono- oof!" Dave was midsentence before being tackled by no one other than Sven.

"Jaja, footie!" Sven cheered, getting off of Dave and lifting him over his shoulder like a caveman.

Rosie ran over, holding her sides from her laughter fit, "I was teaching Sven American football," she explained. "I hope I didn't interrupt anything."

I glared at her, "you did."

Rosie shrugged, "they're all at the park now, we're going to go watch all the lads play."

I continued my glaring.

Rosie handed me a furry pom-pom, "c'mon Georgia! We need to go cheer on our men! And your woman."

**A/N: Even if this was a little bit of a sad chapter I know you all have to love the results. If you do not I don't know what to say because I'm happy with them.**


End file.
